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It’s such an interesting subject.  If not one that was brought to my mind via a interesting show called Kamen Rider OOO.  I’m not gonna get in to that.  This isn’t my other blog.  It’s not the forum for talking about anime or tokusatsu.  But I bring it up because the series deals strongly with the idea and concept of desire.  What it is.  What it means for humans.  Is it good?  Is it bad?  And I finally understand what the series was trying to say about desire.  Desire is neither inherently good nor bad.  But in order for a desire to be worthwhile, it must be something that 1) you don’t take for granted, and 2) can help to better yourself.  Because there are different types of desires and sometimes a poor one can affect us for the worse.


What I mean by different types of desires is that there are desires that there are desires that come do us via biology, desires that come to us via substances, and desires we create because we seek to change something about ourselves, our close circle of friends/family/acquaintances, or the world.  That first group can be a double edged sword.  There are plenty of things that we desire biologically.  Food, sleep, sex, etc.  But those are all things that if we allow to control us can result in (at worst) disaster.  Gluttony will negatively affect your health.  Sloth will make it so the world just passes you by.  Lust makes you seek out what cannot fulfill you.  These are desires that if applied in excess can destroy.  The second group is only meant to destroy.  When I say desires that come via substances, I do mean drug and alcohol abuse.  If you have a necessity for such things that’s a problem.  The third is the type of desire every one needs to cultivate.  It’s the sort of desire that we need to trump negative desires in our lives.  It’s weird to say, but the only way to get rid of a negative influence or desire in life having a positive desire (or rather a desire of your own) that’s stronger.  Not one of your body or just a part of you.  A desire that’s all your own to make a difference in yourself or the world.


So then what about me?  Well…I don’t really have one.  Well I do…but the unfortunate thing is that my other desires (the ones I tend to detach from myself because they don’t really reflect anything positive) are much stronger.  My desire for everything to be simple.  My desire for instant gratification.  And other similar desires.  Whatever desires I have to actually better myself get lost in the back of my mind.  I recognize the possibility for self-destruction if I don’t “find” a desire of my own.  But to cultivate a personal desire is something that I have no idea how to do…


(If you disagree with my take on what desire is I really don’t care ’cause when I apply it to myself, I find it to be true.)


I really don’t…


When I started writing this, I was first gonna ponder some stuff I thought up while I was gone.  Some ideas I had to expand my blog and my personal concerns about it.  Which lead to me trashing that post and musing about the differences (or similarities in my case) between realism and pessimism.  Which just lead me to this conclusion.  I just don’t understand optimism.


What I mean by that is why I understand the appeal of it, I don’t understand why it’s such a necessary thing.  I consider myself a pessimist by nature.  Because I just find a pessimistic stance on things to be more realistic than the sugar-coated optimistic version.  Optimism is just…confusing.  It seems so natural for me to be pessimistic.  When I just look at the nature of the world, I don’t see how people can be happy all the time about it.  You’re just here in the world.  You didn’t choose your existence.  Your parents selfishly made that decision for you.  And now that you’re here, you’d best be expected to do well for yourself.  If you don’t then you’re just screwed.  If you don’t succeed, you might not be able to live well.  You live in a world run by paper and metal (AKA…money) and as much as people want to pretend that that doesn’t matter, it most certainly does.  Purely because we’re human.  Unlike other animals, we don’t really have built in mechanisms to protect ourselves in nature alone.  We need to buy the materials necessary to help us survive in nature.  Not to mention people have to deal with such depressing issues as politics and religion.  Everyone debating about who’s right and who’s wrong.  Everyone hating each other for such trivial reasons.


Do I deny that good things exist?  Of course not.  There’s always good people in the world just as there are bad ones.  But do you really just ignore the bad out there in order to only see the good?  Or down play the bad rather?  I don’t understand why or how people do that.  How you just ignore it all and pretend like it doesn’t exist.  It’s the same for basic aspects of my personal life.  There’s this whole idea in the world that the only way you can even begin to get ahead is if you think positive.  And if that’s the case, then I’ll probably go nowhere.  It’s something I just can’t bring myself to do.  It’s such a chore to begin to do so.  I just don’t see why I should force myself to “believe” things I feel are a lie.  Heh…though I suppose there’d be some person who’d be willing to argue that the way I think right now is the lie.  But really is it?  If I know myself better than anyone else would, how come the way I think now wouldn’t be the truth?


Can someone just explain why it is that forcing myself to be optimistic is so great?  If I want to do anything in life to make myself successful, it seems like the only way to do so is to force myself to be completely different than I am now and to force myself to believe things about myself and the nature of life that just aren’t true.  Want to lose weight?  Have to believe that the time, effort, pain, and self-sacrifice is really worth it for a little bit of a longer life (which is a plus but more of a minus).  Want to be successful doing what I want to do?  Then I have to always be confident and happy with what I’m doing.  But more that I have to be happy with it no matter what.  Want to be happy?  Then I have to pretend like everything I find true is a lie…and it isn’t.  Really I just want someone to explain this whole concept of optimism to me.  Why the deuce am I suppose to like life?  Or be happy with it?  Or how am I even suppose to look on the bright side of things when that side doesn’t seem to exist?

Honestly I was gonna write this a few months ago.  And I started to but couldn’t really find all the right words to say or a proper way to phrase what I wanted to say.  So I’m going to give it a shot.


This thought has been in my mind for a while.  Homosexuality is a giant topic but that’s not really the reason I thought about this initially.  What really got me thinking about this assumption was a commercial I saw for the TV show Taboo on National Geographic.  The part of the commercial that really got the gears in my mind churning was a woman who claimed that she was in love with inanimate objects.  I had to stop a bit and think that over.  In love with inanimate objects?  How does that even work?  Granted I’m the last person who should be talking about “love” but common sense just tells me that love is an emotion that has to be reciprocated or at least has to have the possibility for it to be reciprocated.  Love is deeper than just looks but if you’re in love with something that can’t reciprocate those feelings, how can you call it love?


Let me really explain what I mean.  So let’s say you’re this woman.  And you’ve fallen in love with an inanimate object.  Or at least you say that you’ve fallen in love with it.  Why are you in love with it?  It can’t be because of personality because a wall or some other object doesn’t have one.  It can’t be because of it’s good deeds because an inanimate object can’t do them.  So this woman who claims that she’s in love with walls or whatever (I really don’t know how that works at all…but I don’t really care either) isn’t in love in the least bit.  It’s just physical attraction.  Lust if you will.  The same can be said of human relationships.  It seems like people interchange the concepts of sexual attraction and love so much that we forget that they’re not the same thing.  Sexual attraction is a shallow thing only relating to how someone looks.  And when the looks go, so does that weak concept of “love”.  While looks can factor into love (and let’s face it, for most people they do), that isn’t the only quality of love.  The actual idea of love is much deeper than just a how a person looks.  It’s about their personality, their character, and especially how willing you are to do what’s best for them and want what’s best for them.  I’m sure there’s much more to this idea, but that’s about the best that I can explain it from my limited knowledge.


Seriously people…if you’re attracted to someone or something solely for their looks just say so.  Sure it’s completely shallow and devoid of substance but that’s what it is.  It isn’t love.  You don’t love that girl if the only thing you care for are her looks.  And when you’re certain in your mind that you would dump her in a heartbeat if she got some physical injury that left her scarred or gained a little bit of weight, then you clearly don’t love her at all.  You “love” what she looks like.  Same goes for women who only care for handsome men.  And the same goes for gay/lesbian couples too.  The real test is this…are you willing to give all you have for the person you care for, do all you can to protect them, keep them happy, accept them for who they are even with all their faults and/or eccentricities, and also do what’s best for them even if it means letting them go?  If not…you don’t really love them.

Well this sucks…

So apparently you can’t really switch out which blog your icon immediately links to.  Well…that’s kinda pointless.  I’d rather it link to my anime and tokusatsu and furry related blog since that one’s much more fun to read (and write about) and evidently more updated than this one (let’s face it…I don’t update this one as much since venting stuff and more serious topics aren’t as fun to talk about).  But since this one is the one that I made first I guess it’s the one that’s always gonna be linked to first.


Anyways, more fun stuff is at that post linked above.  This page is gonna only be for more serious stuff and my random venting and such.  I’m sure it’s not really that interesting.  Well it can be interesting sometimes I guess…

I suppose that’s what a “diary” is for after all.  Even if it is an online one.  Diaries are supposed to be private…though if you don’t really want them to be, then they don’t have to.  In that case I should call this more of a journal than anything.


Anyways, this is the 4th week of this internship.  Which really means I only have about 8 more days of work I suppose.  In general I’m only working 2 days a week unless they ask me to come in on another day.  I’m rather adverse to wanting to spend too much money.  So unless I have to go somewhere or find something to buy that I’m particularly interested in, I’m not doing much other than going to work on those two days.  Which leaves me rather bored at other times.  Well, bored and lonely.  Aside from the Hollywood tour, I’m none too interested in socializing with the other people here.  As cold as it may sound, it wasn’t my intention to.  So I suppose the loneliness and boredom is a bit self-inflicted.  But I’m only here because I was forced to be.  I don’t quite care to really do much else than let the rest of these weeks go by but…


That’s a really poor plan in retrospect.  Because now I don’t have anything to do.  I wanted to do as little as possible to save as much money as possible.  I still need to come back with something.  And need to buy materials in order to make a tail before Anime World Chicago.  So most of the time I keep myself cooped up in the room watching episode after episode of random super sentai series.  Heck…I was able to finish off 2 of them within a week.  Really that’s not a good thing.  At the same time, I’ve gotten tired of most everything else.  Even though I’m fairly bored with watching so much stuff (even though I like what I watch), I just feel like it’s the only option other than aimlessly walking around in a circle outside.


Plus there’s the fact that I just use what I watch as a tool too.  I enjoy it, but still it’s a tool to make me forget that I’m upset, sad, and lonely.  Any quiet moment will just make me remember that.  And I don’t really want to.  Tch…why the heck am I even writing this since I know I’m just thinking about how bad I feel?  I suppose the thoughts had to go somewhere.  I don’t like thinking about such things ’cause they just make me cry.  I absolutely despise crying.  Both when I’m alone and especially when I’m around other people.  It’s a terrible feeling.  So I do what I can to avoid it.  Though I’ve done that for so long now that the ability to actually do so doesn’t really exist…


Anyways…I just want to go home.  Not particularly because I miss my family either.  I don’t.  For the exception of my cat.  Sora’s the only one I miss and really care to see.  And it’s not because the people here aren’t nice.  They are…This environment just leaves me feeling like the odd woman out.  Everyone’s so happy to be here and so outgoing and extroverted.  It just feel like I’m the only one who isn’t that way.  I haven’t been very positive for along time.  It’s not that I lost the ability to be so…I just lost the desire to be so.  All these TV shows, movies, and fairy tales can end where happiness, courage, hope…whatever wins out…where everyone lives happily ever after.  And you can teach kids these things.  Teaching kids things like “work hard and your dreams will come true” or that if you “believe you will achieve”…things like that are nice in retrospect.  But for the majority, that’s just not how reality works.  Most kids dream of being top athletes or singers or actors.  Not everyone can be that number one star.  Because most kids who dream of those things don’t have the skills necessary to make it happen.  And even if they do, sometimes even those skills aren’t enough.  And you can teach people that money isn’t everything until the cows come home.  While it’s a nice sentiment…money…well it’s necessary to live.  You can’t even get the basic necessities anymore without money.  Food, water and shelter…while you can find all these things out in nature, you need money to buy the tools to kill your own food and the knowledge to know how to purify your own water.  For most of the population that’s not even a possibility.


The world has all these nice sentiments that work in dreams.  But not really in reality.  If you’re taught to be yourself, but by being yourself you’re setting yourself up for failure, then in order to get along in life you can’t be yourself.  You must pretend in order to live.  You’d think that by watching so many super sentai series that I wouldn’t still think like this.  All those shows are about having the courage to overcome anything but…still it’s just fiction.  Inspirational as it might be it still isn’t how reality works.  If anything, I’m drawn more to the character of AbareKiller from Bakuryuu Sentai Abaranger.  While I’m not nearly as cold as him and definitely not a sociopath, I oddly understand his logic.  He just wants everything to be more exciting…more interesting.  For him.  He doesn’t like the world because he feels the world has nothing to offer him.  So he turns everything into a game (albeit they’re life or death “games” but “games” to him nonetheless).  I don’t fully share the sentiment, but I understand the feeling of wanting to things to be more interesting for me.


Anyways…on a completely different vain, being here’s also giving me problems with my dog-like side.  I’m normally just able to let that side of me loose little by little, but while I’m around complete strangers that’s an impossibility.  So I’ve gotta keep that side of me all cooped up. Problem is is that I’ve never caged myself for that long.  Mostly because I’ve never needed to.  I don’t have any outlet for this side of myself.  I’m worried that it might be a bad thing to do so (as suppression of something usually doesn’t end up the best for the psyche, though I suppose that’s more for long term suppression), but there’s really nothing I can do about that.  I’ve just gotta try my best to keep that part of me under wraps and not let my emotions get the best of me I suppose.  See…one of those cases where being yourself just isn’t a real world possibility.  It just isn’t for everyone.  Still…it’s quite a hassle.  And a bit uncomfortable…


Regardless, after this week, I’ll be halfway through this thing.  Then 4 more weeks until I can go back home…good…

I’m Done…

I’m tired of being told how I should live my life.  What I should do with it and what steps I need to take to “succeed”.


While I’m sure everyone means well when they tell you that you should take advantage of “x” experience or opportunity or that you should do this or do that, sometimes you know the experience/opportunity isn’t meant for you.  And when forced to take it you’re miserable.  Perhaps it was exactly the way you thought it would go which is why you didn’t want to do it.  Or maybe you knew this wasn’t the career path for you…which is why you didn’t want to do it.  Or perhaps you’ve found something you like doing more than what you were previously doing.  Whatever it may be, you know what you want to do with your life.  Unfortunately you’ve got people like family butting their way in and telling you (at times almost dictating) what it is you should be doing because maybe you plan isn’t fully complete.  Or maybe there’s something about it that just doesn’t scream “real world possibility” to them.  Which is fine.  They’ve chosen their path.  But they’ve got no reason to dictate anyone else’s.


While I know my parents mean well, my answer to them from now on is going to be no.  And I will stick with that no.  I’m already upset with my mother enough for forcing me out here for an internship I didn’t want (and she knew it)…and she wonders why I don’t want to talk to her while I’m gone.  Tch…anyways…not going to get into that.  Look, I’ve got a mild plan for what I wish to do.  But it’s one of those ideas that doesn’t particularly shout “real world possibility” to most people.  So she believes she must dictate what I do because I don’t have any sort of plan.  But I do.  I just am not obligated to tell her what I wish to do in life.  I already know she won’t believe I can do it.  But I could right…?  Won’t know it unless I try it.


Because you see, I find catering to fandoms a lot more enjoyable than being 100% orignal all the time.  Catering to the otakus with anime stuff.  Or furries with animals and what not.  And cute things are rather hard to resist.  Both otakus and furries seem to like animal ears and tails.  And both groups like cosplay props, t-shirts, art, etc.  Why the heck not?  A cosplay prop shop.  Sure it’s been done before, but let’s try a grander scale.  Not just fox, wolf, and cat tails.  No.  Poodles, leopards, tigers…let’s throw in some pokemon and digimon stuff too.  Plushies, charms, bookmarks, art portfolios.  With time more and more stuff can be done.  For now I can get small things in there.  A few ears and tails.  Maybe some bookmarks and charms.  And in time I’d like the idea to expand to cosplay fashion.  Taking designs from characters and wearable either costume or real world clothing from them.  That’s how I’d like to set this shop apart from the rest.


Would my parents want me to try that?  Probably not.  Because in the grand scheme of things, fandoms only take up a small part of the world’s population.  And the main focus for me would only be two of them which leaves out gamers, comic book fans, etc.  I wouldn’t be able to properly represent those fandoms because I don’t consider myself a part of them.  Though if a gamer or comic book fan friend of mine would like to help out with designs or items or whatever, that’s be helpful.  I’m sure that I wouldn’t be able to do everything by myself.


Regardless though, this isn’t my parents life anymore.  Regardless of if I still live under your roof for right now, I’m not a puppet you can manipulate or clay that you can mold into anything you want.  Your chance to play sculptor or puppeteer was when I was little.  And you know what you played the role well.  You wanted a person who was well educated but sheltered from the reality of the world.  You put locks on TV channels, we couldn’t watch even the Simpsons until we were “older” (which was when I realized that there was nothing inherently terrible about the series), locks on the computers…heck you wouldn’t let me go to a Radio Disney concert ’cause “I wasn’t old enough”.  Not to mention I was always a bit of a soft person.  Standing out in a crowd is not my thing.  And now you expect me to mystically be able to handle “responsibilities” and “reality” without wanting to go into a corner and having some sort of nervous breakdown?  That’s not how it works…But I could handle such things if allowed to do it my way.  Make mistakes my way, and earn a living my way.  Not your way.  My way.  My job is to now say, no.  I refuse to do anything you say anymore.  I’ve done the schooling you wanted for as long as you wanted.  I may not have chosen the major you wanted me to choose but no way was I going to be a vet.  Now your job is to just be there whenever I fall.  And you might not like that it will happen, but it is an inevitable part of life.  And one you should’ve thought about before you decided you wanted children.  They don’t just mystically poof out of your house willy-nilly.  Though if you want to kick us out go for it.  It’s your house.  Just don’t ever expect me to want to speak to you again if you do.  But I’ve gotta make money before I move out.  And I refuse to do it by your standards or “the worlds” standards.  It’s my life to live so it’s gonna be done my way or the high way.


Dun like it?  You don’t have to.  But the game has changed and this is the way the game (called “life” by the way…reality’s nothing but a game just like the board game is) is gonna be played from now on.


“U” mad…?  Then come at me bro.


I’ll respect you and be grateful for what you’ve given me.  But I’ll respect you more for just letting me go.  You may not like what I do, but you already know that I do it well.  And that I’m fairly good at making stuff and that people actually buy stuff from me (despite your petty idea that making the little amount that I do that I can’t really go anywhere with it…your beef, not mine).  And when I do make money, after I’m done proving to you how I can actually succeed doing things my way, I’ll move out, get out of your hair, and you won’t have to see me again.  That should make you happy right?


Long story short…I’mma do my thing.  You go do yours.  And we’ll all be happier for it.  ‘Kay?

Who am I?  I’m terrified to let people really see me for me.


In fact, I’m quite certain that a few of my friends know more about me than my parents do.  But in reality, I’m certain that I barely know who I am myself.  I can put all sorts of labels on myself to make myself feel comfortable, but in the end they all really mean nothing.  The label of “agnostic” means absolutely nothing.  The label of “therian” means absolutely nothing.  They’re very good for finding people to relate to…sometimes.  Though I consider myself agnostic, I really don’t relate to many agnostics since I lean towards Christianity and most other agnostics lean towards Atheism.  And though I consider myself a therianthrope, I’m not the best at fitting in with the online community.  And it’s difficult not knowing anyone in person that is like me in that respect.  Because then at least I’d know one person that could understand what I go through.
While I understand this idea of not being afraid to be yourself, there’s a part of me that believes that only works in theory.  Now I’m not afraid of people knowing what I’m interested in.  I’ll happily admit that I’m a furry and an otaku.  Though some people might see those things as embarrassing, the fandoms are fun for me and a good escape from the troubles of reality.  And good outlets for my interests in different facets of art.  But when it comes to me as a person, I’m no good at fully being myself.  I’m constantly holding back on, suppressing, ignoring, or denying aspects of myself because not even I want to face all of them.  And I wouldn’t like other people knowing them either.  So even if I’m not at my happiest, I’ve gotten use to putting on a smile so I don’t have to burden anyone else with my thoughts.  ‘Cause it really isn’t anyone else’s business.


But there are things that bother me on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis.  Right now it’s my therianthropy.  Generally I’m fine with it.  I’m fine with not telling people and I’m fine with hiding that.  Well…not really fine with it, but it’s just something I have to do to get by.  Although normality doesn’t exist, there are some things that can and will send people to a mental hospital and I’m sure therianthropy is one of them.  Because what I’m saying is that there’s a part of me that doesn’t feel human.  Specifically, there’s a part of me that feels like a dog.  And not only do I feel like one, but tend to express it through random behaviors and vocalizations like barking, growling, and howling and have some strange urges like chewing and digging and scent tracking.  Though it’s a big part of myself, I do have to suppress and hide it a lot.  Let’s face it, a person acting like a dog in public would grant a lot of weird looks at the least.  And I was at the very least okay with it.  Because there’s very few people in the world who could ever fully understand it.  And other therians just accept it as something that needs to be done.  And I suppose it does.  Because I’m sure I’d be ridiculed quite a bit if I didn’t.


But it’s one of the most uncomfortable things to work against my natural feelings.  Which I have to do on a daily basis.  Because I only have about…3 friends that know this about me and one that I’ve really talked to about it in person.  But even so, I’m not going to behave like a dog in front of them.  Or at least I do my best not to display any of my dog like behaviors in front of people.  It get’s harder when I’m being pestered and annoyed.  If I can think about my reaction before I act on it, then I won’t act on it.  But sometimes the reaction is much quicker than the thought.  Not to mention it’s much easier to growl at someone as a warning rather than say “Stop doing that”.  My family probably can hear me when I’m in one of my doggie moods.  I know my brother can hear me howling and barking at all times of the night.  But I have to reserve those behaviors for nighttime.  I’ve had days before when I’ve gone through an entire day in a dog like mindset and I couldn’t do anything about it.  It was frustrating and uncomfortable.  I had no choice but to keep it all locked up inside.  I wish I didn’t have to keep it all to myself really…And I wish I could explain it better.  But I can’t explain how I feel…it’s a near impossibility when I don’t really have anything to compare it to.  I wish I had some other ways to express this side of myself.  Some people say that running and exercise helps.  Or going out camping so they’re just out in nature away from other people.  Or dancing…or really anything else that they can think of.  I just haven’t found anything that helps for me.  Exercise is a chore and painful as I’ve got quite a bit of weight to lose.  I suppose I’d like to go camping one day…But for now, I need to find something else to channel this energy into.  Because I just can’t keep suppressing it all.


And for spirituality, I feel a bit like the odd woman out with most people I know.  My family’s all Christian.  My friends for the most part are all Christian as well (or at the least very spiritual) aside from one friend who’s Atheist.  And it’s not that they’re spiritual that really makes me feel like the odd woman out.  It’s the fact that they’re really comfortable with the decision they’ve made.  You know when I was little I didn’t really think about it too much.  I was Christian because I went to church and because my family was.  But then I grew up…and with growing up came more questioning of things.  And of course a non-answer to my prayer of what was “wrong with me” (AKA, my issue I mentioned above about therianthropy) sort of helped me move from being Christian to Agnostic.  I really don’t consider myself spiritual at all.  And I’ve tried to be.  I’ve looked at animal totemism and Shamanism because I thought it would be a help with my therianthropy.  At the very least I could learn how to spiritually shapeshift at will rather than doing so sporadically and at inopportune moments.  But after reading more about it, I just lost the interest that I previously had.  Not to mention reading about magic sort of turned me off to it.  I have nothing against magic.  I just don’t believe in it.


Plus I guess I still felt Christianity had something to offer me.  If it didn’t, I probably still wouldn’t be researching it and hanging around Christian websites (granted it’s a Christian furry and a Christian therianthropy page but still…).  But yet I still feel like I’m held back from really making a decision one way or another.  Because I care too much about what people think about me.  And it bothers me that people think that people are less intelligent just because they decide to believe in God.  But then again, I suppose I play into that a bit.  And as much as it pains me to say it I suppose deep down a part of me must believe that to a degree.  Even though I know it’s not true at all.  Because I’ll defend my friend (or anyone’s) right to believe as they wish and not be ridiculed for it.  Because being an Atheist doesn’t automatically mean that you are smarter.  Many atheists just parrot points just as much as many Christians do without doing the necessary research.


In all honesty, I can intellectually accept the idea of God.  And intellectually accept that God exists.  I just don’t place my faith in him or make any vast leaps to convert to Christianity.  Because 1) it still calls for me to give up a lot and 2) it’s not a leap I feel I’m ready to make.  But I honestly envy religious believers more than non-believers.  It’s much more beautiful and eloquent to believe and see that there’s more to the world, universe, and life than what’s visible to the eyes.  I suppose that Atheists have a point as well.  It’s beautiful to see the world for what we can see in front of us.  But that also seems quite limiting.  Though I suppose I’m just not comfortable with the idea that I’m here and don’t have a purpose and that what’s in front of us is it.  And how am I suppose to be okay with it?  Why wasn’t I born just a regular person instead of this weirdo who has dog-like tendencies?  Why can I draw but not really do anything else right?  Sure we can go with the age old answer of “genetics”…but I’ll never really know my full genetic make up as I’m adopted.  Perhaps my real parents are artistic and that would explain why I am too.  But for therianthropy…there are many therians that don’t have therian parents.  Actually very few have therian parents.  There’s really no explanation for it as of yet.  And if in the end I’ll just die and turn to dust, why the deuce am I wasting my time with school and earning a degree and money!?  There’s no point for it right?  I can just do what I want to do…or rather should…


I barely know who or what I am.  I spend all this time fretting over what I want to do in life or how to please other people while trying to please myself and please this entity known as the “world”.  And really they all can’t be done.  Only two can be done at a time…but just barely.  If you ask my parents, they’ll say that I’m really childish and that I refuse to grow up.  And in a way that’s true.  Growing up just…sucks.  And no one can convince me that it’s any good for you.  And I don’t want to.  If I were still little, everything would be so easy.  I wouldn’t have to worry so much about being dog like ’cause people would just think I’m playing pretend like any other little kid.  And religion…I didn’t understand it then and don’t understand it now.  Only difference is that kids aren’t suppose to understand it.  And kids are always thought of as innocent anyways.  And no jobs or money to worry about…


Now I’m just getting utterly depressing.  But yes…yet another thing that bothers me is the whole thought of getting older.  But enough of that.  Unfortunately I’ve got to deal with all these things.  Really it all boils down to I just need to stop caring what people think of me.  Which is such an impossible and difficult thing to do.  Because you have to present your way to the world in some way that is thought of as “normal”.  But I don’t fit in this mold called “normal”.  Well not all the time.  And I just don’t want to fit myself into the world at least in the way the world wants me to fit in.  With the 9-5 job, white picket fence and family with at least 2 kids.  It’s not what I want.  The ultimate goal in my life is to just be happy.  The secondary one is to find a way to really be me.  And lastly is the job/monetary goal which is to work solely for myself (possibly with friends) doing illustration and craft type work.  If I can find a way to do all three by time I die, then I suppose I would’ve achieved all my goals in life.  But how can I even begin to do it?  I just don’t know how…


I envy people who know what they want to do, know who they are, what they are, and have everything put together.  I can pretend to be completely stable all I want to…but that doesn’t make it true.  On the outside I can smile all I want.  On the inside, I’m sure I’m just falling apart.  And I’m sure I can’t put up with it much longer…there’s no way that I can…

Yeah, I’ve got three blog pages here.  This one, my poke-portfolio one which doesn’t have anything on it so far.  And my newly made “Fandom Grounds” blog.  Which is a blog that caters to the anime, tokusatsu, and furry fandom.  If it catches on and if I can get more people to write for it, I’d like to open it up to more fandoms.  It’s pretty much my idea of a “safe haven” for people of any fandoms.  Because I consider myself to be a fan of multiple things that happen to overlap at times, I wanted to make a blog where I can write about all those things.  I might change how the page looks right now though.  If anyone is interested in checking it out:

There’s about 6 or so posts up right now.  Which means my “anime/manga” section is now rendered useless and I’ll be writing about anime/manga on Fandom Grounds now.  Also Fandom Grounds is my main blog now.  So if you click on my name you should be taken there instead of here.

Dear Society (and more specifically Parents),

Stop blaming the entertainment industry on your short comings.

When I say “entertainment industry” I’m speaking of everything from movies, to games, to television, to music.  All of these things have been blamed at one point or another for the things that are wrong with society.  A kid goes crazy and starts injuring or killing people?  Blame a video game that he played.  A kid starts behaving horribly?  It’s okay.  We have rap music to blame for that.  This isn’t a one time phenomenon.  When something new is introduced into society, it becomes a scapegoat for all of societies problems.  Rap, video games, rock and roll, violent movies…this is something that they all share.

But here’s the problem with this “logic”:

Video games and movies/television have rating systems.  By paying close attention to the ratings of a movie or a game you can see the age range that it’s meant for.  G for all ages.  PG for all ages but maybe parents should go anyways.  PG-13 for parental guidance for individuals under the age of 13.  R for individuals 17 and up.  This is our system for movies.  Pretty straight forward right?  And it’s in all the commercials, posters, and ads.  So rarely do people complain about movies.  But what about video games.  Many of you may remember the “Grand Theft Auto” fiasco from a few years back.  The game became the scapegoat for violent crimes that had been reported around the same time.  And many parents were furious at sexual content that was in the game.  Here’s the issue…

Parents, it is your duty to protect your children from things you don’t want them to be exposed to.  It is your job to filter the content that your children see.  It is not the job of the government to regulate what your children are exposed to.  Nor it is a proper response (or even a rational one) to use a video game (or movie, song, book, etc.) as a scapegoat for your problems and your shortcomings.  Your child has a M rated game, plays it and you find that there are things in the game that aren’t meant for the eyes of a young child.  It isn’t the company’s fault.  They found a reliable market for a product are are trying to make money just like any other human being out there (because you know…our livelihood pretty much is defined by pieces of paper and metal).
Society, if you don’t want a product to be supported, then don’t support it!  It’s a simple solution.  If a company starts losing money, that shuts them down.  Thus the problem is solved.  No money.  No company.  Simple as that.

In conclusion, you (society) need to stop feeling threatened by fantasy and stay focused on reality.  That’s the only way the world will continue to advance.

Best wishes,


A not-so-new realization…

It’s new for me to say it (either aloud or through writing) but here it is:

I don’t think I could be an atheist.

I’m remembering touching base on this somewhere (whether it was here or on another site I don’t remember).  Basically it took me some time to get myself to admit that.  I did spend some time considering being atheist.  I spent time being rather upset at Christianity and Christians and wanted nothing to do with the religion.  I don’t care what other people believe, but I didn’t want to be a part of the religion.  Because of my personal experiences with Christianity, my belief of devout Christians were that they were prudish and ignorant.  For non-devout Christians (IE those who believe in God but don’t particularly worship Him or believe the bible), I found them hypocritical, but miles more tolerable than those who spouted fire and brimstone or ridiculed others for not subscribing to their religion.

So for some time I wanted away from Christianity.  I stared reading up on Shamanism.  I believed (and still believe to a degree) in totem animals, spirit guides, and the like.  I wanted to find my totem animal and perhaps “learn” from it.  That was a short lived idea.  I lost interest in it rather quickly.  If I do have a spirit animal, I don’t really care to find it.  Being that I’m not much of a spiritual person, stuff about magic, energy manipulation, etc. doesn’t strike me as that interesting.  It’s not something that I care to learn how to do, though I do find the subject rather interesting.

At one point I visited a Pagan/Spiritual message board and asked for advice about breaking away from Christianity.  I hated going to church.  I really didn’t like the congregation or the pastor.  I didn’t like that stereotypical style of preaching where preachers just yell at you because somehow yelling equates to passion.  Not to mention there was no diversity in my church.  On a rare occasion you’d see one white person in there because they were married to a black woman or because they were guests of someone (in case you’re wondering, I went to an all black church).

But after about two years I’ve come nearly full circle.  Instead of avoiding Christianity or allowing negative ideas to develop about it, I decided to learn about it and engage people in discussion.  When I really didn’t like Christianity, I would easily agree with everything that non-theists would have to say about the religion.  If they said the bible endorsed rape, I believed it.  Or that the bible was against women…I believed that too.  In fact I really did tell myself before that I wanted God to leave me alone.  I was tired of thinking about Him, being riddled with thoughts and questions about him, and guilt about “wrong” things that I was doing.  I wanted it all gone.  But instead of just trying to suppress them all, I started questioning and exploring Christianity.  Now I’m quite certain that when I joined Christian related sites or talked to Christian individuals, I came across as very snappy because I was still rather angry towards the religion.  I parroted factoids that I knew nothing about because the non-theists who seemed knowledgeable to me said them.

But when faced with the reality of things, I was just parroting factoids.  Not facts.  But just blurbs.  The reality is that no matter what the position, everyone’s going to have a bias.  Non-theists aren’t going to believe the evidence that theist put forth because it doesn’t suit their point of view.  Theists aren’t going to support evidence that non-theists put forth because it doesn’t suit their point of view.  There’s points where both groups view the same evidence so differently.  There’s no winning either way.  And there’s really no help for someone like me in the middle of things.  I’ve just got to weigh both sides and see which one has the stronger arguments.  And to me, I suppose Christians do.  Really it all boils down to the creation of the universe.  I don’t buy the creation of something from nothing without some force being their to create it.  I don’t buy the redefinition of nothing.  I already touched base on that and I don’t plan on covering that again.  That and I can’t help but see something…intriguing…about this world despite my rather negative world view.

So yes…I’m an agnostic that leans more towards Christianity than Atheism.  I acknowledge the existence of God, but I don’t place faith in Him.  I don’t pray and haven’t prayed since I was 14 (at least not willingly and seriously).  I’m very much stuck as to what I should to spiritually.  A part of me wants to take a huge leap of faith and trust in something that may or may not exist.  Another part of me doesn’t for multiple reasons.

One thing I know is what I’ve been doing on my own doesn’t work.  So why should doing and believing the same thing continue to work?