Okay one of my goals with this blog was to write through any feelings (good or bad) that I may have.  I never talk through my feelings and it probably could help if I did.  So this is a bit more rant-like and not so well thought out.

 

So for the few days since I’ve had this blog I’ve attempted to just open conversation or question others on their beliefs.  On one hand I’ve had fun with trying to do something that I usually don’t do which is share my own opinions.  I’ve tried to be as calm and rational as I can.  However religion’s a difficult subject matter and getting angry or depressed is inevitable.  I tried to explain what I believed to Atheists to get told to “suck it up and learn science”.  So I’m watching a rather difficult to understand theory on how the universe came from “nothing”.  Which so far just changes the definition of “nothing” to mean that there were things that were always there, but they were so small that you couldn’t notice them.  And I tried to explain why I felt “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was a useless policy and this argument (though I might just give up on it soon because there’s no way I’d be able to try to explain it unless I was in the military I suppose) just got to a point where I was told that I basically have no right to have an opinion on the issue unless I was in the military.  Nothing infuriated me more than to tell me my belief is invalid because I don’t know how the military works.  Yes I don’t know how the military works.  I’m not in it.  I’m an artist, not a fighter.  But I know that if an able bodied person wants to fight, they should have the right to do so.

 

I’m just walking away from the whole thing feeling very…stupid I suppose.  Like I shouldn’t have opinions.

 

I’m terrible at debating because in general I’m a very sensitive person I suppose.  I try my best to not show so much anger towards other people.  So in turn it just becomes internalized.  Which turns to depression.  Depression is nothing but a lot of internalized anger and sadness that’s never resolved.  I end up feeling worthless and unintelligent because of it.  At this point, even though I don’t think I’m “stupid”, I also don’t think that I’m very smart.  My level of self worth is actually quite low as well.  I try not to burden people with my problems because I don’t want people to think I’m suicidal or something like that.  I don’t want to be treated like I have to be hospitalized because that’s not my issue.  I basically don’t have the desire to care anymore.

 

If anyone were to ask me why I would consider converting to Christianity.  I probably wouldn’t use too much evidence with science or anything.  But in terms of everything I want in my life that religion has it.  Comfort, security, love, purpose…If an Atheist were to consider me stupid for wanting any of those things in my life, then so be it.  I must be stupid.  It’s quite the depression position to hold that all we do in life is for naught.  Or rather that it has no reason or rhyme behind it.  It’s purely random.  And if that’s the case why do anything?  Why adhere to standards of right and wrong?  Why coach a person out of committing suicide when they’ll die and turn to dust anyways?  Whatever impact they have on the world is purely circumstantial.  That’s why I find Christianity so appealing.  I honestly envy people who’re able to easily just have faith in something.  The world’s quite the depressing place.

 

Anger and depression is rather poisonous to my life.  You can then say something like “Why don’t you just get over it?”.  “Getting over it” isn’t as easy as some people would like to pretend it is.  Therapy doesn’t help everyone.  Medicine only masks the problem(s).  While I say I don’t want to commit suicide, that isn’t to say that I just don’t want to die and get it over with.  I’m sick of dealing with my own emotions, the world, expectations, and religion/spirituality.  I’m sick of not only the self hate, but also my increasing disdain for humanity.  For religion, politics, money, education…everything.  It sucks.

 

I wish I didn’t have to care about any of this…I wonder if I should even bother to keep trying to have religious conversations when I just can’t handle them.

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