More specifically why am I Christian leaning agnostic?  Why not leaning towards the atheism end of the spectrum?  And why wouldn’t I want to keep the label of “agnostic” forever?

 

I believe I touched base on my history with Christianity in one of my earliest posts here.  I started out claiming Christianity and over time grew strong animosity towards the religion due to my own misconceptions of the religion.  Most of which I read from other people who had even stronger animosity towards the religion than I did.

 

I need to be more comfortable with what I believe.  And what I believe is this:

 

The label of “agnostic” is a cop-out.  It’s saying that  “I don’t know”.  Or rather that’s the guise.  In actuality the position’s more of an “I don’t know so I’m not going to try to learn”.  I’m not even claiming that one can know absolutely what is or isn’t true regarding the workings of the universe, life, afterlife, etc.  What I’m saying though is there is a “more likely than not” situation that can help a person figure out which way to go.  Either towards a theist path or an atheist path.  People can go through agnostic phases, but when one ceases to continue learning about the world, or even attempt to learn about the world, using the term “agnostic” is rather useless and meaningless.

 

Now I tend to look at things as if they were on a sliding scale.  So I’ll place Atheism on one end of the spectrum and Christianity on the other end.  From there’s it’s mainly a game of weighing odds, weighing the price, and weighing what each side has to offer me.  I’ll admittedly say that looking at what each side has to offer me is a rather selfish decision, but it’s one that needs to be there.  “Weighing the price” just means weighing what I’d have to “pay”.  What I’d have to give up in my life in order to follow said path.  And weighing the odds is rather self-explanatory so I won’t go into deeper detail.

 

So I’ll start with what each side has to offer me, the selfish decision.  I suppose I don’t know what Atheism has to offer me. “Reality” I guess.  Whatever reality is.  Though that’s not much of an incentive.  For a girl who desperately wants to escape from reality, offering me reality does nothing for me.  Knowledge?  Well you can gain knowledge outside of being an atheist.  Atheism doesn’t hold claim on intelligence (though many that I’ve come across behave as if it does).  As I don’t know Atheism well enough, I don’t know what it could ever offer me.  It has nothing to offer me because I don’t need to feel smart.  I know enough to get by in the world.  I don’t need to know everything or attempt to know everything.  I don’t need reality because reality is disheartening and stressful.  Sure there’s good things.   My friends, my hobbies, the subcultures I’m a part of.  But even the good doesn’t help with how stressful reality is.

 

I need the security of knowing that someone out there will always care about me no matter who I am (animator, student…), what I am (therian/otherkin, furry, “otaku”), what I believe, or what my interests are.  Whilst I don’t doubt my friends (not so much my family) can accept (or at the most general level tolerate) those deals, people change.  I don’t want that to come across as cruel because I know at least one of my friends reads some of the things I put up here so I hope that isn’t taken in a negative manner.  I need the security of knowing that I’m here for some reason.  I’m terrible at creating my own purpose.  And believe me I’m trying.  I’m rather fed up with animation as a career path.  I could do it, but I don’t think I’m at all good enough or have the passion enough for it.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  Do you know the list of things I would consider for a job?  Animator, illustrator, baker, pet groomer, freelance artist, fursuit maker, comic artist, writer…I want to do all of them, but can’t figure out which one would be a good job.  Not to mention I’d like to think I wasn’t some accident of nature.  Just being here just because.  It’s quite a depressing thought.

 

Now enough of that.  On to weighing the price.  Now we’re all aware that Christianity calls for you to give up a lot.  I suppose I’m not afraid to admit that I make a lot of mistakes that I’m not proud of and want to work to fix.  Well not fix what I’ve done, just fix myself I suppose.  And want forgiveness from the wrong things that I do (despite the fact that the only one in this equation who’d be able to forgive me of such things would be God).  I don’t just mean the obvious wrong things I do.  I also mean the things I do that I feel guilty about.  For some people guilt may go away easily.  For others, it doesn’t.  For everything that Christianity would call for me to give up, it would be things that would probably change my life for the better.  Whether or not I decide to completely give them up is on me though.  Whereas Atheism would call for me to give up something as well.  For when I call myself Agnostic, it’s not because I’m agnostic on the existence of God.  For me, the world wouldn’t make sense without some sort of Creator who at the least started everything off.  Sure I tried to understand the position of “something coming from nothing” in the “scientific” or rather Atheistic point of view.  And I’m the first to admit that I’m terrible with understanding such things.  But I do understand one thing.  The purposeful redefinition of “nothing” to suit the position that nothing can be created from something.  To speak rather frankly, that doesn’t “fly” with me.  But that isn’t the purpose of this post so I won’t go any further with that.  When I say that I’m agnostic, I mean I don’t know what way to turn, what God is like, or who’s closer to understanding Him/it.  That’s not saying that I know for sure that God exists either.  I just don’t frequently question whether or not God exists.  So to take an Atheistic point of view requires me to give up much more than Christianity.

 

I don’t believe I should get into weighing odds.  As I’m still in this process.  Nor am I any good with apologetics.  Nor am I any good at remembering what I read.  So that part is for another time and place.

 

So that’s my beliefs in a nutshell.  Take it or leave it.  I don’t feel like I have to keep hiding everything I feel, believe, etc.

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