Archive for July, 2011

Well this sucks…

So apparently you can’t really switch out which blog your icon immediately links to.  Well…that’s kinda pointless.  I’d rather it link to my anime and tokusatsu and furry related blog since that one’s much more fun to read (and write about) and evidently more updated than this one (let’s face it…I don’t update this one as much since venting stuff and more serious topics aren’t as fun to talk about).  But since this one is the one that I made first I guess it’s the one that’s always gonna be linked to first.


Anyways, more fun stuff is at that post linked above.  This page is gonna only be for more serious stuff and my random venting and such.  I’m sure it’s not really that interesting.  Well it can be interesting sometimes I guess…


I suppose that’s what a “diary” is for after all.  Even if it is an online one.  Diaries are supposed to be private…though if you don’t really want them to be, then they don’t have to.  In that case I should call this more of a journal than anything.


Anyways, this is the 4th week of this internship.  Which really means I only have about 8 more days of work I suppose.  In general I’m only working 2 days a week unless they ask me to come in on another day.  I’m rather adverse to wanting to spend too much money.  So unless I have to go somewhere or find something to buy that I’m particularly interested in, I’m not doing much other than going to work on those two days.  Which leaves me rather bored at other times.  Well, bored and lonely.  Aside from the Hollywood tour, I’m none too interested in socializing with the other people here.  As cold as it may sound, it wasn’t my intention to.  So I suppose the loneliness and boredom is a bit self-inflicted.  But I’m only here because I was forced to be.  I don’t quite care to really do much else than let the rest of these weeks go by but…


That’s a really poor plan in retrospect.  Because now I don’t have anything to do.  I wanted to do as little as possible to save as much money as possible.  I still need to come back with something.  And need to buy materials in order to make a tail before Anime World Chicago.  So most of the time I keep myself cooped up in the room watching episode after episode of random super sentai series.  Heck…I was able to finish off 2 of them within a week.  Really that’s not a good thing.  At the same time, I’ve gotten tired of most everything else.  Even though I’m fairly bored with watching so much stuff (even though I like what I watch), I just feel like it’s the only option other than aimlessly walking around in a circle outside.


Plus there’s the fact that I just use what I watch as a tool too.  I enjoy it, but still it’s a tool to make me forget that I’m upset, sad, and lonely.  Any quiet moment will just make me remember that.  And I don’t really want to.  Tch…why the heck am I even writing this since I know I’m just thinking about how bad I feel?  I suppose the thoughts had to go somewhere.  I don’t like thinking about such things ’cause they just make me cry.  I absolutely despise crying.  Both when I’m alone and especially when I’m around other people.  It’s a terrible feeling.  So I do what I can to avoid it.  Though I’ve done that for so long now that the ability to actually do so doesn’t really exist…


Anyways…I just want to go home.  Not particularly because I miss my family either.  I don’t.  For the exception of my cat.  Sora’s the only one I miss and really care to see.  And it’s not because the people here aren’t nice.  They are…This environment just leaves me feeling like the odd woman out.  Everyone’s so happy to be here and so outgoing and extroverted.  It just feel like I’m the only one who isn’t that way.  I haven’t been very positive for along time.  It’s not that I lost the ability to be so…I just lost the desire to be so.  All these TV shows, movies, and fairy tales can end where happiness, courage, hope…whatever wins out…where everyone lives happily ever after.  And you can teach kids these things.  Teaching kids things like “work hard and your dreams will come true” or that if you “believe you will achieve”…things like that are nice in retrospect.  But for the majority, that’s just not how reality works.  Most kids dream of being top athletes or singers or actors.  Not everyone can be that number one star.  Because most kids who dream of those things don’t have the skills necessary to make it happen.  And even if they do, sometimes even those skills aren’t enough.  And you can teach people that money isn’t everything until the cows come home.  While it’s a nice sentiment…money…well it’s necessary to live.  You can’t even get the basic necessities anymore without money.  Food, water and shelter…while you can find all these things out in nature, you need money to buy the tools to kill your own food and the knowledge to know how to purify your own water.  For most of the population that’s not even a possibility.


The world has all these nice sentiments that work in dreams.  But not really in reality.  If you’re taught to be yourself, but by being yourself you’re setting yourself up for failure, then in order to get along in life you can’t be yourself.  You must pretend in order to live.  You’d think that by watching so many super sentai series that I wouldn’t still think like this.  All those shows are about having the courage to overcome anything but…still it’s just fiction.  Inspirational as it might be it still isn’t how reality works.  If anything, I’m drawn more to the character of AbareKiller from Bakuryuu Sentai Abaranger.  While I’m not nearly as cold as him and definitely not a sociopath, I oddly understand his logic.  He just wants everything to be more exciting…more interesting.  For him.  He doesn’t like the world because he feels the world has nothing to offer him.  So he turns everything into a game (albeit they’re life or death “games” but “games” to him nonetheless).  I don’t fully share the sentiment, but I understand the feeling of wanting to things to be more interesting for me.


Anyways…on a completely different vain, being here’s also giving me problems with my dog-like side.  I’m normally just able to let that side of me loose little by little, but while I’m around complete strangers that’s an impossibility.  So I’ve gotta keep that side of me all cooped up. Problem is is that I’ve never caged myself for that long.  Mostly because I’ve never needed to.  I don’t have any outlet for this side of myself.  I’m worried that it might be a bad thing to do so (as suppression of something usually doesn’t end up the best for the psyche, though I suppose that’s more for long term suppression), but there’s really nothing I can do about that.  I’ve just gotta try my best to keep that part of me under wraps and not let my emotions get the best of me I suppose.  See…one of those cases where being yourself just isn’t a real world possibility.  It just isn’t for everyone.  Still…it’s quite a hassle.  And a bit uncomfortable…


Regardless, after this week, I’ll be halfway through this thing.  Then 4 more weeks until I can go back home…good…

I’m Done…

I’m tired of being told how I should live my life.  What I should do with it and what steps I need to take to “succeed”.


While I’m sure everyone means well when they tell you that you should take advantage of “x” experience or opportunity or that you should do this or do that, sometimes you know the experience/opportunity isn’t meant for you.  And when forced to take it you’re miserable.  Perhaps it was exactly the way you thought it would go which is why you didn’t want to do it.  Or maybe you knew this wasn’t the career path for you…which is why you didn’t want to do it.  Or perhaps you’ve found something you like doing more than what you were previously doing.  Whatever it may be, you know what you want to do with your life.  Unfortunately you’ve got people like family butting their way in and telling you (at times almost dictating) what it is you should be doing because maybe you plan isn’t fully complete.  Or maybe there’s something about it that just doesn’t scream “real world possibility” to them.  Which is fine.  They’ve chosen their path.  But they’ve got no reason to dictate anyone else’s.


While I know my parents mean well, my answer to them from now on is going to be no.  And I will stick with that no.  I’m already upset with my mother enough for forcing me out here for an internship I didn’t want (and she knew it)…and she wonders why I don’t want to talk to her while I’m gone.  Tch…anyways…not going to get into that.  Look, I’ve got a mild plan for what I wish to do.  But it’s one of those ideas that doesn’t particularly shout “real world possibility” to most people.  So she believes she must dictate what I do because I don’t have any sort of plan.  But I do.  I just am not obligated to tell her what I wish to do in life.  I already know she won’t believe I can do it.  But I could right…?  Won’t know it unless I try it.


Because you see, I find catering to fandoms a lot more enjoyable than being 100% orignal all the time.  Catering to the otakus with anime stuff.  Or furries with animals and what not.  And cute things are rather hard to resist.  Both otakus and furries seem to like animal ears and tails.  And both groups like cosplay props, t-shirts, art, etc.  Why the heck not?  A cosplay prop shop.  Sure it’s been done before, but let’s try a grander scale.  Not just fox, wolf, and cat tails.  No.  Poodles, leopards, tigers…let’s throw in some pokemon and digimon stuff too.  Plushies, charms, bookmarks, art portfolios.  With time more and more stuff can be done.  For now I can get small things in there.  A few ears and tails.  Maybe some bookmarks and charms.  And in time I’d like the idea to expand to cosplay fashion.  Taking designs from characters and wearable either costume or real world clothing from them.  That’s how I’d like to set this shop apart from the rest.


Would my parents want me to try that?  Probably not.  Because in the grand scheme of things, fandoms only take up a small part of the world’s population.  And the main focus for me would only be two of them which leaves out gamers, comic book fans, etc.  I wouldn’t be able to properly represent those fandoms because I don’t consider myself a part of them.  Though if a gamer or comic book fan friend of mine would like to help out with designs or items or whatever, that’s be helpful.  I’m sure that I wouldn’t be able to do everything by myself.


Regardless though, this isn’t my parents life anymore.  Regardless of if I still live under your roof for right now, I’m not a puppet you can manipulate or clay that you can mold into anything you want.  Your chance to play sculptor or puppeteer was when I was little.  And you know what you played the role well.  You wanted a person who was well educated but sheltered from the reality of the world.  You put locks on TV channels, we couldn’t watch even the Simpsons until we were “older” (which was when I realized that there was nothing inherently terrible about the series), locks on the computers…heck you wouldn’t let me go to a Radio Disney concert ’cause “I wasn’t old enough”.  Not to mention I was always a bit of a soft person.  Standing out in a crowd is not my thing.  And now you expect me to mystically be able to handle “responsibilities” and “reality” without wanting to go into a corner and having some sort of nervous breakdown?  That’s not how it works…But I could handle such things if allowed to do it my way.  Make mistakes my way, and earn a living my way.  Not your way.  My way.  My job is to now say, no.  I refuse to do anything you say anymore.  I’ve done the schooling you wanted for as long as you wanted.  I may not have chosen the major you wanted me to choose but no way was I going to be a vet.  Now your job is to just be there whenever I fall.  And you might not like that it will happen, but it is an inevitable part of life.  And one you should’ve thought about before you decided you wanted children.  They don’t just mystically poof out of your house willy-nilly.  Though if you want to kick us out go for it.  It’s your house.  Just don’t ever expect me to want to speak to you again if you do.  But I’ve gotta make money before I move out.  And I refuse to do it by your standards or “the worlds” standards.  It’s my life to live so it’s gonna be done my way or the high way.


Dun like it?  You don’t have to.  But the game has changed and this is the way the game (called “life” by the way…reality’s nothing but a game just like the board game is) is gonna be played from now on.


“U” mad…?  Then come at me bro.


I’ll respect you and be grateful for what you’ve given me.  But I’ll respect you more for just letting me go.  You may not like what I do, but you already know that I do it well.  And that I’m fairly good at making stuff and that people actually buy stuff from me (despite your petty idea that making the little amount that I do that I can’t really go anywhere with it…your beef, not mine).  And when I do make money, after I’m done proving to you how I can actually succeed doing things my way, I’ll move out, get out of your hair, and you won’t have to see me again.  That should make you happy right?


Long story short…I’mma do my thing.  You go do yours.  And we’ll all be happier for it.  ‘Kay?