Category: Spirituality


Who am I?  I’m terrified to let people really see me for me.

 

In fact, I’m quite certain that a few of my friends know more about me than my parents do.  But in reality, I’m certain that I barely know who I am myself.  I can put all sorts of labels on myself to make myself feel comfortable, but in the end they all really mean nothing.  The label of “agnostic” means absolutely nothing.  The label of “therian” means absolutely nothing.  They’re very good for finding people to relate to…sometimes.  Though I consider myself agnostic, I really don’t relate to many agnostics since I lean towards Christianity and most other agnostics lean towards Atheism.  And though I consider myself a therianthrope, I’m not the best at fitting in with the online community.  And it’s difficult not knowing anyone in person that is like me in that respect.  Because then at least I’d know one person that could understand what I go through.
While I understand this idea of not being afraid to be yourself, there’s a part of me that believes that only works in theory.  Now I’m not afraid of people knowing what I’m interested in.  I’ll happily admit that I’m a furry and an otaku.  Though some people might see those things as embarrassing, the fandoms are fun for me and a good escape from the troubles of reality.  And good outlets for my interests in different facets of art.  But when it comes to me as a person, I’m no good at fully being myself.  I’m constantly holding back on, suppressing, ignoring, or denying aspects of myself because not even I want to face all of them.  And I wouldn’t like other people knowing them either.  So even if I’m not at my happiest, I’ve gotten use to putting on a smile so I don’t have to burden anyone else with my thoughts.  ‘Cause it really isn’t anyone else’s business.

 

But there are things that bother me on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis.  Right now it’s my therianthropy.  Generally I’m fine with it.  I’m fine with not telling people and I’m fine with hiding that.  Well…not really fine with it, but it’s just something I have to do to get by.  Although normality doesn’t exist, there are some things that can and will send people to a mental hospital and I’m sure therianthropy is one of them.  Because what I’m saying is that there’s a part of me that doesn’t feel human.  Specifically, there’s a part of me that feels like a dog.  And not only do I feel like one, but tend to express it through random behaviors and vocalizations like barking, growling, and howling and have some strange urges like chewing and digging and scent tracking.  Though it’s a big part of myself, I do have to suppress and hide it a lot.  Let’s face it, a person acting like a dog in public would grant a lot of weird looks at the least.  And I was at the very least okay with it.  Because there’s very few people in the world who could ever fully understand it.  And other therians just accept it as something that needs to be done.  And I suppose it does.  Because I’m sure I’d be ridiculed quite a bit if I didn’t.

 

But it’s one of the most uncomfortable things to work against my natural feelings.  Which I have to do on a daily basis.  Because I only have about…3 friends that know this about me and one that I’ve really talked to about it in person.  But even so, I’m not going to behave like a dog in front of them.  Or at least I do my best not to display any of my dog like behaviors in front of people.  It get’s harder when I’m being pestered and annoyed.  If I can think about my reaction before I act on it, then I won’t act on it.  But sometimes the reaction is much quicker than the thought.  Not to mention it’s much easier to growl at someone as a warning rather than say “Stop doing that”.  My family probably can hear me when I’m in one of my doggie moods.  I know my brother can hear me howling and barking at all times of the night.  But I have to reserve those behaviors for nighttime.  I’ve had days before when I’ve gone through an entire day in a dog like mindset and I couldn’t do anything about it.  It was frustrating and uncomfortable.  I had no choice but to keep it all locked up inside.  I wish I didn’t have to keep it all to myself really…And I wish I could explain it better.  But I can’t explain how I feel…it’s a near impossibility when I don’t really have anything to compare it to.  I wish I had some other ways to express this side of myself.  Some people say that running and exercise helps.  Or going out camping so they’re just out in nature away from other people.  Or dancing…or really anything else that they can think of.  I just haven’t found anything that helps for me.  Exercise is a chore and painful as I’ve got quite a bit of weight to lose.  I suppose I’d like to go camping one day…But for now, I need to find something else to channel this energy into.  Because I just can’t keep suppressing it all.

 

And for spirituality, I feel a bit like the odd woman out with most people I know.  My family’s all Christian.  My friends for the most part are all Christian as well (or at the least very spiritual) aside from one friend who’s Atheist.  And it’s not that they’re spiritual that really makes me feel like the odd woman out.  It’s the fact that they’re really comfortable with the decision they’ve made.  You know when I was little I didn’t really think about it too much.  I was Christian because I went to church and because my family was.  But then I grew up…and with growing up came more questioning of things.  And of course a non-answer to my prayer of what was “wrong with me” (AKA, my issue I mentioned above about therianthropy) sort of helped me move from being Christian to Agnostic.  I really don’t consider myself spiritual at all.  And I’ve tried to be.  I’ve looked at animal totemism and Shamanism because I thought it would be a help with my therianthropy.  At the very least I could learn how to spiritually shapeshift at will rather than doing so sporadically and at inopportune moments.  But after reading more about it, I just lost the interest that I previously had.  Not to mention reading about magic sort of turned me off to it.  I have nothing against magic.  I just don’t believe in it.

 

Plus I guess I still felt Christianity had something to offer me.  If it didn’t, I probably still wouldn’t be researching it and hanging around Christian websites (granted it’s a Christian furry and a Christian therianthropy page but still…).  But yet I still feel like I’m held back from really making a decision one way or another.  Because I care too much about what people think about me.  And it bothers me that people think that people are less intelligent just because they decide to believe in God.  But then again, I suppose I play into that a bit.  And as much as it pains me to say it I suppose deep down a part of me must believe that to a degree.  Even though I know it’s not true at all.  Because I’ll defend my friend (or anyone’s) right to believe as they wish and not be ridiculed for it.  Because being an Atheist doesn’t automatically mean that you are smarter.  Many atheists just parrot points just as much as many Christians do without doing the necessary research.

 

In all honesty, I can intellectually accept the idea of God.  And intellectually accept that God exists.  I just don’t place my faith in him or make any vast leaps to convert to Christianity.  Because 1) it still calls for me to give up a lot and 2) it’s not a leap I feel I’m ready to make.  But I honestly envy religious believers more than non-believers.  It’s much more beautiful and eloquent to believe and see that there’s more to the world, universe, and life than what’s visible to the eyes.  I suppose that Atheists have a point as well.  It’s beautiful to see the world for what we can see in front of us.  But that also seems quite limiting.  Though I suppose I’m just not comfortable with the idea that I’m here and don’t have a purpose and that what’s in front of us is it.  And how am I suppose to be okay with it?  Why wasn’t I born just a regular person instead of this weirdo who has dog-like tendencies?  Why can I draw but not really do anything else right?  Sure we can go with the age old answer of “genetics”…but I’ll never really know my full genetic make up as I’m adopted.  Perhaps my real parents are artistic and that would explain why I am too.  But for therianthropy…there are many therians that don’t have therian parents.  Actually very few have therian parents.  There’s really no explanation for it as of yet.  And if in the end I’ll just die and turn to dust, why the deuce am I wasting my time with school and earning a degree and money!?  There’s no point for it right?  I can just do what I want to do…or rather should…

 

I barely know who or what I am.  I spend all this time fretting over what I want to do in life or how to please other people while trying to please myself and please this entity known as the “world”.  And really they all can’t be done.  Only two can be done at a time…but just barely.  If you ask my parents, they’ll say that I’m really childish and that I refuse to grow up.  And in a way that’s true.  Growing up just…sucks.  And no one can convince me that it’s any good for you.  And I don’t want to.  If I were still little, everything would be so easy.  I wouldn’t have to worry so much about being dog like ’cause people would just think I’m playing pretend like any other little kid.  And religion…I didn’t understand it then and don’t understand it now.  Only difference is that kids aren’t suppose to understand it.  And kids are always thought of as innocent anyways.  And no jobs or money to worry about…

 

Now I’m just getting utterly depressing.  But yes…yet another thing that bothers me is the whole thought of getting older.  But enough of that.  Unfortunately I’ve got to deal with all these things.  Really it all boils down to I just need to stop caring what people think of me.  Which is such an impossible and difficult thing to do.  Because you have to present your way to the world in some way that is thought of as “normal”.  But I don’t fit in this mold called “normal”.  Well not all the time.  And I just don’t want to fit myself into the world at least in the way the world wants me to fit in.  With the 9-5 job, white picket fence and family with at least 2 kids.  It’s not what I want.  The ultimate goal in my life is to just be happy.  The secondary one is to find a way to really be me.  And lastly is the job/monetary goal which is to work solely for myself (possibly with friends) doing illustration and craft type work.  If I can find a way to do all three by time I die, then I suppose I would’ve achieved all my goals in life.  But how can I even begin to do it?  I just don’t know how…

 

I envy people who know what they want to do, know who they are, what they are, and have everything put together.  I can pretend to be completely stable all I want to…but that doesn’t make it true.  On the outside I can smile all I want.  On the inside, I’m sure I’m just falling apart.  And I’m sure I can’t put up with it much longer…there’s no way that I can…

A not-so-new realization…

It’s new for me to say it (either aloud or through writing) but here it is:

I don’t think I could be an atheist.

I’m remembering touching base on this somewhere (whether it was here or on another site I don’t remember).  Basically it took me some time to get myself to admit that.  I did spend some time considering being atheist.  I spent time being rather upset at Christianity and Christians and wanted nothing to do with the religion.  I don’t care what other people believe, but I didn’t want to be a part of the religion.  Because of my personal experiences with Christianity, my belief of devout Christians were that they were prudish and ignorant.  For non-devout Christians (IE those who believe in God but don’t particularly worship Him or believe the bible), I found them hypocritical, but miles more tolerable than those who spouted fire and brimstone or ridiculed others for not subscribing to their religion.

So for some time I wanted away from Christianity.  I stared reading up on Shamanism.  I believed (and still believe to a degree) in totem animals, spirit guides, and the like.  I wanted to find my totem animal and perhaps “learn” from it.  That was a short lived idea.  I lost interest in it rather quickly.  If I do have a spirit animal, I don’t really care to find it.  Being that I’m not much of a spiritual person, stuff about magic, energy manipulation, etc. doesn’t strike me as that interesting.  It’s not something that I care to learn how to do, though I do find the subject rather interesting.

At one point I visited a Pagan/Spiritual message board and asked for advice about breaking away from Christianity.  I hated going to church.  I really didn’t like the congregation or the pastor.  I didn’t like that stereotypical style of preaching where preachers just yell at you because somehow yelling equates to passion.  Not to mention there was no diversity in my church.  On a rare occasion you’d see one white person in there because they were married to a black woman or because they were guests of someone (in case you’re wondering, I went to an all black church).

But after about two years I’ve come nearly full circle.  Instead of avoiding Christianity or allowing negative ideas to develop about it, I decided to learn about it and engage people in discussion.  When I really didn’t like Christianity, I would easily agree with everything that non-theists would have to say about the religion.  If they said the bible endorsed rape, I believed it.  Or that the bible was against women…I believed that too.  In fact I really did tell myself before that I wanted God to leave me alone.  I was tired of thinking about Him, being riddled with thoughts and questions about him, and guilt about “wrong” things that I was doing.  I wanted it all gone.  But instead of just trying to suppress them all, I started questioning and exploring Christianity.  Now I’m quite certain that when I joined Christian related sites or talked to Christian individuals, I came across as very snappy because I was still rather angry towards the religion.  I parroted factoids that I knew nothing about because the non-theists who seemed knowledgeable to me said them.

But when faced with the reality of things, I was just parroting factoids.  Not facts.  But just blurbs.  The reality is that no matter what the position, everyone’s going to have a bias.  Non-theists aren’t going to believe the evidence that theist put forth because it doesn’t suit their point of view.  Theists aren’t going to support evidence that non-theists put forth because it doesn’t suit their point of view.  There’s points where both groups view the same evidence so differently.  There’s no winning either way.  And there’s really no help for someone like me in the middle of things.  I’ve just got to weigh both sides and see which one has the stronger arguments.  And to me, I suppose Christians do.  Really it all boils down to the creation of the universe.  I don’t buy the creation of something from nothing without some force being their to create it.  I don’t buy the redefinition of nothing.  I already touched base on that and I don’t plan on covering that again.  That and I can’t help but see something…intriguing…about this world despite my rather negative world view.

So yes…I’m an agnostic that leans more towards Christianity than Atheism.  I acknowledge the existence of God, but I don’t place faith in Him.  I don’t pray and haven’t prayed since I was 14 (at least not willingly and seriously).  I’m very much stuck as to what I should to spiritually.  A part of me wants to take a huge leap of faith and trust in something that may or may not exist.  Another part of me doesn’t for multiple reasons.

One thing I know is what I’ve been doing on my own doesn’t work.  So why should doing and believing the same thing continue to work?

Why am I agnostic?

More specifically why am I Christian leaning agnostic?  Why not leaning towards the atheism end of the spectrum?  And why wouldn’t I want to keep the label of “agnostic” forever?

 

I believe I touched base on my history with Christianity in one of my earliest posts here.  I started out claiming Christianity and over time grew strong animosity towards the religion due to my own misconceptions of the religion.  Most of which I read from other people who had even stronger animosity towards the religion than I did.

 

I need to be more comfortable with what I believe.  And what I believe is this:

 

The label of “agnostic” is a cop-out.  It’s saying that  “I don’t know”.  Or rather that’s the guise.  In actuality the position’s more of an “I don’t know so I’m not going to try to learn”.  I’m not even claiming that one can know absolutely what is or isn’t true regarding the workings of the universe, life, afterlife, etc.  What I’m saying though is there is a “more likely than not” situation that can help a person figure out which way to go.  Either towards a theist path or an atheist path.  People can go through agnostic phases, but when one ceases to continue learning about the world, or even attempt to learn about the world, using the term “agnostic” is rather useless and meaningless.

 

Now I tend to look at things as if they were on a sliding scale.  So I’ll place Atheism on one end of the spectrum and Christianity on the other end.  From there’s it’s mainly a game of weighing odds, weighing the price, and weighing what each side has to offer me.  I’ll admittedly say that looking at what each side has to offer me is a rather selfish decision, but it’s one that needs to be there.  “Weighing the price” just means weighing what I’d have to “pay”.  What I’d have to give up in my life in order to follow said path.  And weighing the odds is rather self-explanatory so I won’t go into deeper detail.

 

So I’ll start with what each side has to offer me, the selfish decision.  I suppose I don’t know what Atheism has to offer me. “Reality” I guess.  Whatever reality is.  Though that’s not much of an incentive.  For a girl who desperately wants to escape from reality, offering me reality does nothing for me.  Knowledge?  Well you can gain knowledge outside of being an atheist.  Atheism doesn’t hold claim on intelligence (though many that I’ve come across behave as if it does).  As I don’t know Atheism well enough, I don’t know what it could ever offer me.  It has nothing to offer me because I don’t need to feel smart.  I know enough to get by in the world.  I don’t need to know everything or attempt to know everything.  I don’t need reality because reality is disheartening and stressful.  Sure there’s good things.   My friends, my hobbies, the subcultures I’m a part of.  But even the good doesn’t help with how stressful reality is.

 

I need the security of knowing that someone out there will always care about me no matter who I am (animator, student…), what I am (therian/otherkin, furry, “otaku”), what I believe, or what my interests are.  Whilst I don’t doubt my friends (not so much my family) can accept (or at the most general level tolerate) those deals, people change.  I don’t want that to come across as cruel because I know at least one of my friends reads some of the things I put up here so I hope that isn’t taken in a negative manner.  I need the security of knowing that I’m here for some reason.  I’m terrible at creating my own purpose.  And believe me I’m trying.  I’m rather fed up with animation as a career path.  I could do it, but I don’t think I’m at all good enough or have the passion enough for it.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  Do you know the list of things I would consider for a job?  Animator, illustrator, baker, pet groomer, freelance artist, fursuit maker, comic artist, writer…I want to do all of them, but can’t figure out which one would be a good job.  Not to mention I’d like to think I wasn’t some accident of nature.  Just being here just because.  It’s quite a depressing thought.

 

Now enough of that.  On to weighing the price.  Now we’re all aware that Christianity calls for you to give up a lot.  I suppose I’m not afraid to admit that I make a lot of mistakes that I’m not proud of and want to work to fix.  Well not fix what I’ve done, just fix myself I suppose.  And want forgiveness from the wrong things that I do (despite the fact that the only one in this equation who’d be able to forgive me of such things would be God).  I don’t just mean the obvious wrong things I do.  I also mean the things I do that I feel guilty about.  For some people guilt may go away easily.  For others, it doesn’t.  For everything that Christianity would call for me to give up, it would be things that would probably change my life for the better.  Whether or not I decide to completely give them up is on me though.  Whereas Atheism would call for me to give up something as well.  For when I call myself Agnostic, it’s not because I’m agnostic on the existence of God.  For me, the world wouldn’t make sense without some sort of Creator who at the least started everything off.  Sure I tried to understand the position of “something coming from nothing” in the “scientific” or rather Atheistic point of view.  And I’m the first to admit that I’m terrible with understanding such things.  But I do understand one thing.  The purposeful redefinition of “nothing” to suit the position that nothing can be created from something.  To speak rather frankly, that doesn’t “fly” with me.  But that isn’t the purpose of this post so I won’t go any further with that.  When I say that I’m agnostic, I mean I don’t know what way to turn, what God is like, or who’s closer to understanding Him/it.  That’s not saying that I know for sure that God exists either.  I just don’t frequently question whether or not God exists.  So to take an Atheistic point of view requires me to give up much more than Christianity.

 

I don’t believe I should get into weighing odds.  As I’m still in this process.  Nor am I any good with apologetics.  Nor am I any good at remembering what I read.  So that part is for another time and place.

 

So that’s my beliefs in a nutshell.  Take it or leave it.  I don’t feel like I have to keep hiding everything I feel, believe, etc.

Question for Christians

So I’m sitting here watching a marathon of Touched by an Angel.  I kinda grew up watching it ’cause my mom used to watch it all the time.  I’d never really paid any attention to it before.

 

But anyways…the majority of the emphasis in this show is on the relationship between a person an God/Jesus.  The semantics of beliefs other than that relationship really aren’t discussed much.  Which brings forth a question that’s been bothering me for quite a while:  Aside from the belief in Jesus as your savior and faith in God, what else constitutes being a Christian?  Now I’m well aware that the most would say that this is key and probably a good deal of other beliefs could possibly be debatable.  I don’t believe that.  I find that what else a Christian believes always comes into question.  If you’re a Christian that believes that gays should be able to get married, your faith is questioned.  If you’re a Christian who believes anything else that falls outside the norm of being a Christian, you’re questioned.

 

So do Christians really have to believe everything the bible says?  No deviations at all from it in order to be considered true Christians?  I hear Christians saying that you have your own mind.  And if a person has their own mind and believes something different why does that make them a bad Christian for not always agreeing and parroting (sorry if that word sound harsh…many times people just sound like they’re parroting the Bible and not actually believing it…they “believe” just because the bible says they should) what they’re told because perhaps they feel like they shouldn’t believe any different.

 

Is that a proper assessment or an incorrect one?  Say if I were to convert to Christianity, would I be able to believe something different and still be considered Christian?  Or would I have to “believe” the bible wholeheartedly even though I don’t really believe it?

This is going to be a more elaborate version of an “essay” I wrote for Deviantart pertaining to the same question.  The basic idea is what would happen if therianthropy/otherkin were proven wrong?  How would you cope with the idea?  Is it even possible to prove these ideas wrong?  I believe I left some holes in the last essay so I’m revamping it to elaborate on a few points.

 

Is it possible to prove therianthropy and/or otherkin wrong?  I suppose it depends on the point of view one takes on the subject.  There’s two main points of views that need to be looked at when speaking of therianthropy/otherkin: Spiritual and Psychological.  The therian/otherkin who looks at the phenomenon in a spiritual light will have drastically different ideas than the therian/otherkin who looks at it in a psychological light.  Either way, it can neither be proven nor disproved.  However, for the sake of argument let’s say that it could be disproved.  How would one go about that?

 

From the Spiritual Perspective


Quite frankly, I don’t know how one would go about disproving something from a spiritual perspective.  However there’s two things that science would have to disprove in order to say that therianthropy from the spiritual perspective is false.  The first is the existence of a soul.  The second is that the soul of a non-human could inhabit a human body.  I left otherkin out for the moment because there some extra ideas that need to be disproved.  Those are the ideas that mythical creatures existed (either in this world or another plane of existence) and that if these souls came from another plane of existence that they can cross space and time to end up in this world.

 

I’ll start of with this first because it is the easiest thing to disprove.  It would be hard to find anyone willing that believes that it’s possible for a human to contain the soul of a dragon or fairy.  I covered this a little bit in my post on past life memories, but it takes a stretch of the imagination to believe that a soul will cross space, time, and dimension just to end up in some human body.  It is a wild claim that can’t be substantiated.  But it’s wilder still to claim to know that these creatures exist or have existed somewhere in the universe.  Now I believe in the possibility of life out there, but will remain skeptical until it is otherwise proven to me that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe.  I have to say it’s much easier to disprove otherkin from a spiritual perspective than it is to disprove therianthropy from the same perspective.

 

So I’ll cover therianthropy now.  Like I said before you have to disprove two things; that the soul exists and that an inhuman soul could be placed into a human body.  Let’s start with the existence of a soul.  How would you go about this?  What would you be looking for?  It’s possible that you could run some tests on the human body and potentially find the soul.  However we have no knowledge of what the soul looks like or where it’s located in the body.  But there are a lot more pressing issues that go with this.  Let’s say that we had knowledge of what the soul looked like and it was proven without a doubt that the soul did not exist.  Therians would be the furthest thing on people’s minds.  Let’s face it.  How many of you reading this even know what I’m talking about when I speak of therianthropy?  Most of you have never heard the term.  Some might have heard the term but only in terms of beings or deities that are part human-part animal.  So this is something that no one would be thinking about.  If you could disprove the existence of a soul, you would single-handedly disprove all of religion.  Or rather most religions as most religions revolve around some idea of a soul that lives on after death.  Don’t you think that would be a more pressing issue than proving whether or not it’s possible for a human to feel as a non-human?

 

If souls were disproved, you would disprove most psychic phenomenon, ghost/spirit sightings, angels and demons (which by default then means that angel and demon-kin are wrong).  It would mean that anyone fitting into these categories would be first up for going into some sort of psychiatric care.  I would also place those who honestly believe that it was aliens who started life on earth in this category as well (but this can go for non-therians/otherkin as I’ve heard this as one of the plausible “theories” for life starting on earth).

 

Now onto the second possibility: The psychological standpoint.

 

From the Psychological Perspective


I think this perspective might scare people a little bit.  When we use the word “psychological” we usually speak of some sort of mental ailment that needs to be cured.  This isn’t the case.  A psychological anomaly doesn’t need to be something that has to be cured.  Something that interferes with a person’s everyday life.  It can just be something that makes a person think differently or feel differently than “the norm” (whatever normal is).  So we need to get out of the mindset that “psychological” means something’s wrong with you and begin to think of it differently.

 

We as humans cannot pretend like we comprehend how the brain works 100%.  We’re still learning more and more things about it.  However there are plausible ways that both otherkin and therianthropy could be proven true using psychology.

 

We it comes right down to it, we all know that we’re human.  We have no special knowledge of animals.  What we know of animals are what we’ve learned through experiences with them (IE: pets, seeing animals in the wild, watching documentaries, and going to zoos).  I don’t believe anyone who claims to have any special knowledge of a specific animals species based upon the fact that they  “are” that animal.  It’s an impossibility.  The only thing that you know is what you are right now.  The only things that can be made are close approximations based on feelings, personality, and behaviors.  This could account for the high number of canine (specifically wolf) therians or any other species of animal that are thought of as “majestic”.

 

To start with wolves, humans have always had a tie with them.  We domesticated them and they became the hundreds of breeds of domestic dogs that we have today.  Humans are around dogs on a daily basis.  We see them when we walk down the street.  We have them as pets.  Many of us have some sort of experience with them.  With wolves especially, these are animals that are culturally thought of as evil due to religious contexts or historic context (wolves killing farm animals and humans, specifically the history of werewolves).  Wolves are also thought of as very spiritual creatures.  Whatever it may be, humans and wolves have a strong tie to one another.

 
Felines are the second most common type of animal found in the therian community.  You’d be hard pressed not to find a therian community that doesn’t have a large portion of lions, tigers, leopards, or domestic cats.    Cats are another animal that humans are exposed to on a daily basis.  Statistically, there are more cats as pets than they are dogs.  Look at what we think of as “feline” behavior.  Aloofness and gracefulness.  These are human traits that we just attribute to cats.  Believe me, cats aren’t nearly as graceful as you may think.  Ever see a cat attempt to jump up on something and fall short?  It’s quite a funny sight especially when what they were trying to jump up on isn’t very high.

 

But that’s besides the point.  These are animals that we are exposed to since childhood.  Not just domestic cats and dogs, but their wild counterparts too.  Wolves, lions, tigers, leopards, cheetahs.  Perhaps there’s something about these animals that resonated with us strongly that subconsciously they became ingrained in our minds and personalities.  Of course I cannot speak for other therians.  I can only speak for myself and I believe I covered this topic a little bit in previous posts.  But I shall reiterate it for this one.  I was terrified of dogs when I was younger.  I believe the fear came from being around my uncle’s dog Jordan.  He was just the meanest Bulldog.  Whenever I was around him, he’d bark and growl at me and try to get at me.  I didn’t like his other dog, Crispy (this little terrier) either.  He was just a very yappy dog so I thought he was trying to attack me too (looking back on it, I don’t think he was).  So I developed a phobia of them.  I didn’t want to be around dogs.  I didn’t even like Golden Retrievers and they’re supposed to be one of the gentlest breeds.  I remember running away from one, hiding in my mom’s car and crying.

 

I was never terrified of seeing a picture of a dog or a cartoon dog (in fact, Scooby Doo was one of my favorite characters growing up).  Just real dogs.  On the flip side though, I loved werewolves and anything to do with animal transformation.  One of my favorite series was Big Wolf on Campus.  A show that used to come on (then FOX Family) ABC Family about a high school student who was bitten by a werewolf and became one.  I just loved seeing humans turn from on thing into another.  It’s a like of mine that’s stuck with me for some time now (though at the moment, I’m very picky about my werewolf movies…there aren’t too many good ones).  But I realized that not only was it the change from human to animal that I liked but the struggle to keep one’s humanity.

 

I believe it was some mix of those two things that triggered something in me that made me feel the way I do.  Perhaps a subconscious notion that if I “became” a canine that maybe I wouldn’t be afraid of them anymore.  Or perhaps it was triggered through realizing that dogs weren’t so bad after all.  That’s assuming that there might be a genetic component to therianthropy and perhaps the right conditions were met for it to be triggered.  That takes a lot of assumptions so I won’t go any further with that theory.  Or it might even just be a subconscious desire to be like a werewolf or were-creature that made me like this.  There’s a lot to work with.

 

There is one nasty fault with the psychological perspective though and that leaves open room for fiction/media-kin and otaku-kin.  These are the people who feel like they are a fictional character.  This is a subject for another post, however I will say that it’s not uncommon to relate to fictional characters.  When people write stories, scripts for television/movies, comics, etc., they purposely create characters for people to relate too.  If no one related to the characters then the story wouldn’t be successful.  No one would be interested.  There is a fault with saying you are that character.  I believe the only people who reserve the right to say they are a character is the person who created the characters themselves.

 

So how would I cope if one day someone told me that this was all false?  I’ll just have to realize that I have awkward quirks that I can’t explain.  Feeling like a dog doesn’t interfere with my life.  I have friends and hobbies.  I’m going to school and pursing a career (despite wanting to possibly change what career I’m pursuing…but that’s noting out of the ordinary).  I don’t have to cope with anything.  I’m smart enough to know not to show any animalistic behaviors in public.  That’s reserved for the privacy of my own home.  Is it hard at times to suppress a behavior that comes naturally for me?  Yes.  But I do it because I have to.

 

Let’s face it.  We can swallow a lot of strange ideas in this society.  The idea that someone doesn’t feel the right gender.  That one can make a bit of sense depending on if the science behind it is correct.  But the idea that someone doesn’t feel the right species is an odd one.  Especially from the spiritual perspective.  I completely understand the hesitation when it comes to believing people who say they are ‘X’ animal or they are ‘X’ creature.  But I do think there is a reason for it.  One that isn’t necessarily just spiritual.  Spirituality can play a role in it however I believe that the phenomenon is something rooted in the brain and something that can be pinpointed and explained.  It might take some work but I believe that it is possible.

Past Life Memories?

I call shenanigans on them.

 

Within the therianthrope and otherkin communities, speaking of past life memories seems rather common place.  More so in the otherkin community because people who identify as otherkin generally identify with creatures from myth and legend.  In more simple language, the creatures they identify with don’t exist.  Creatures like dragons, fairies, fae, and mermaids.  You’ll even find your fair share of angel and demon-kin as well.

 

Anyways, I said in a previous post that I don’t rule out the possibility of reincarnation.  Which by that definition means that I shouldn’t rule out the possibility of past life memories.  However, that doesn’t mean I can’t call shenanigans on them.  Even within the most scientifically minded otherkin community, stories of past lives run rampant.  And these stories are always very elaborate.  Very descriptive about different planets they come from.  They’re always different planets or different dimensions.  They have to be.  Fairies, fae, dragons, mermaids, sphinxes, etc. don’t exist on the earth.  These are beings that were created by humans through misinterpretation of reality.  For angel and demon-kin, the situation might be different.  I can’t prove that they don’t exist, however unlike these other beings, angels and demons are historically thought to be a real part of  this realm.

 

It can be difficult to discuss past life memories with otherkin (usually I’ll just say otherkin because I’ve seen far more otherkin claim past life memories over therians).  I’ll give an example of this (though this example comes from a therian forum).  There was a subject on a therianthropy related forum discussing whether or not otherkin take things too far sometimes.  This was basically a discussion on the claims of otherkin, specifically revolving around past life claims and spiritual claims.  You can’t have the soul of something that doesn’t exist.  One member chimed in that he had dealings with angels and angel-kin are nothing like angels.  Now this member is well known as a devout Christian so his experience of angels is coming from his faith and from what Christianity teaches angels are.  And I imagine that they also come from his exact experiences of angels (whatever they may be).  However the administrator of the board claimed that he could not tell someone they’re not angel-kin because his knowledge of angels “doesn’t count”.

 

This is the problem of otherkin.  There are things that are taught about each of these creatures that otherkin claim to be.  Otherkin however find ways to rewrite the history of what these creatures historically are.  In the case of dragons, I almost want to put them on the therian side of things because a dragon is more animalistic than some of these other creatures.  However they still don’t exist (excluding real animals that are labeled dragons such as komodos and bearded dragons).  In many beliefs, demons at typically evil.  Note I didn’t say deimons or daemons.  Just because the root of “demon” is “deimon” doesn’t mean I’m talking about deimons.  I’m talking specifically about demons.  Demons are malevolent spirits.  Angels are benevolent beings.  Not just in Christian tradition but in Judaism and Islam.  Even in Egyptian and Babylonian societies.  So when I hear a demon-kin say something that isn’t representative of what these beings historically are, I have to raise an eyebrow at it.  It seems that historic knowledge is being replaced by these “memories” of what they used to be, by what they feel is correct, or by what the terms used to mean without realizing that words can evolve or even mean two different things.  Not to mention that daemon and deimon are still words and they do mean something different than demon.

 

Now I hear many demon-kin describing themselves as mischievous.  Never evil though.  I suppose “mischievous” is part of a demonic nature.  I’m not very knowledgeable about demons as whole.  But this isn’t about demons.  However I will say that I often wonder what would happen if there were a demon-kin that appeared and described his demonic nature as evil.  Would they be written off as “fluffy”?  Or would they be told to seek mental help?

 

To get back on the subject of past life memories, why is it that these memories can’t just be an overactive imagination?  Perhaps desperately wanting to believe that there is a spiritual context behind something that might not be spiritual at all?  How can it be known that these “memories” are real and that they really happened?  And even if they did really happen, how do you know it was really you?

 

The real reason I have such a problem with past life claims in otherkin is because the majority of the time, these memories are of some distant world or dimension that cannot be seen in any way, shape, or form.  These people are absolutely certain that they know the name of the species that they were and what they looked like when they were in their “real” form.  And these descriptions are detailed.  Knowing that they were a blue western dragon with this many horns and that’s this big.  Or knowing that what their “planet” looked like.  What they did in their lives.  If they had “mates” or children.  It’s too much.  Where is the line drawn between what is believable in the otherkin community and what isn’t?  Apparently it’s okay to claim to know what your planet is and knowing that you had some sort of mate and/or children.  And it’s okay to know exactly what you looked like as your kin-form and what abilities you had.  And it’s okay to know what sort of diet you held.  But it’s wrong to claim to be a prince, princess, king, queen, or god of anything.  It’s equally as impossible to believe that you were a king or god in a past life (more so a god because gods typically don’t die) as it is to believe that you’re a dragon from planet x with gold horns and blue scales, had a mate and child, and so on and so forth.

 

I’ve focused more on the otherkin side of this.  However I will give more leniency to therians who believe they were reincarnated.  Why?  Because the animals that therians claim to be have existed or do exist.  That doesn’t mean I believe their past life claims more.  I don’t.  I don’t believe any past life claims.  However I won’t pretend that I don’t give more credence to the therian belief in reincarnation over the otherkin belief in reincarnation.  Therians believe they were creatures that have/had existed.  There’s no physical proof that the creatures that otherkin claim to be ever existed.

 

Am I saying that all otherkin are lying?  No.  Both otherkin and therianthropy are very similar constructs.  People believing themselves to be something else other than human or connecting strongly with a creature that it becomes a part of their personality, being, psyche, etc.  So along those lines, you could still be otherkin.  I just think that otherkin needs to be looked at more from a psychological standpoint as well.  I don’t claim psychology to be the end all be all for this subject, but before placing something in the “spiritual” category, try to figure it out from the “mundane” standpoints first.

In response to a previous post…

Okay, I created a post in which I asked what I thought was a “simple” question (you can check for yourself I’m not gonna reference it here).

 

Well apparently I pissed off two bloggers here, KeyofAtheist and Eggslap.  I wasn’t out to attack all atheists.  I was speaking of the experiences I’ve had and other blogs that I’ve run across where I just hear Christians (and sometimes other spiritual people) being talked about in such derogatory manners.

 

Now, at least KeyofAtheist had the decency to not speak to me and at me (because there is a human being behind this blog page) using derogatory language.  Regardless of if I may piss them off sometimes (and I’m quite certain that I’ve pissed them off quite a bit…I’m a difficult person to deal with), at least they had the decency to speak to me intelligently.  So really none of this is geared towards KeyofAtheist.

 

Now Eggslap on the other hand made a ton of assumptions of me (all of them quite false).  Assumptions that I was religious, that I prayed, that I wanted religion in “their” government, that Christians don’t actually put themselves out in the world and make a difference, and so on and so forth.  Not to mention the language being used towards me.  And the language being used towards Christians and their beliefs.  Perhaps “militant atheist” isn’t the right phrase to use and I apologize for that.  And maybe “realist” is a “better” word/label.

 

To clear up some things that Eggslap wonderfully assumed of me…

 

1.  I’m not Christian.  I was at one point, but was only “Christian” because I called myself such.  What’s a 7 year old supposed to do when her mother tells her that she has to go to church.  It was around age 14 where I realized that I wasn’t Christian but was still forced to go to church.  And it was at that point where I developed a deep resentment for the religion and blaming it for a lot of problem.  But get this straight, while I was very angry and hateful towards the belief, I had the common decency to respect the beliefs of my friends and family and not speak ill of them for what they believed.  The same was same for Christians I didn’t know.  Just because someone believes something that’s odd doesn’t make them less intelligent or incapable of recognizing the realities of what’s happening right here, right now.

 

2. Who said that I hoped or prayed?  I don’t pray.  I’m not Christian.  I’m not spiritual (not in any religious connotation and not in your definition either).  I have no use for praying after my experiences of it not working.  I stopped.  The only time you’ll catch me “praying” is to appease my mother during Thanksgiving and/or Christmas for she is a Christian and there’s no way I could get away with not doing so.  I don’t hope either.  With my general dislike of humanity, I don’t have hope for humans.  Why should I?  Can anyone give me a decent reason to hope for anything good to come of humanity?  My perception of loathsome acts?  What perception?  Perhaps my personality makes it so the negatives affect me more.  I’m a pessimist and cynic.  I already stated I have a general dislike/hatred of humanity.  Why is this my “perception”?  Do terrible things not happen?  Do people not do terrible things to each other for no reason whatsoever?

 

3. On my decision to be a misanthrope…it had nothing to do with Christianity.  It had nothing to do with religion.  It just struck me at one point that I absolutely disliked human society and that it didn’t make any sense to me.  I was always a pessimist.  So yes.  Negatives will always outweigh positives.  It’s great that your life is fantastic.  That’s wonderful.  I never claimed that no one could be happy without a belief in God.  So it’s great that you can have a great life without a belief in any sort of God.  Unfortunately until it’s proven to me that I should have faith in humanity, I most likely won’t.

 

4. I never said anything about a “light at the end of the tunnel”.  A belief in an afterlife can exist without that.

 

But there are a few things that I suppose I agree with you on…

 

1.  Actually I will agree with you on this one…my expectations of hope and faith are completely delusional.  Despite the fact that I have no hopes, dreams, or faith in anything.  So your anger with me on this point is completely unwarranted.  I envy people who are hopeful.  I don’t have the capabilities to hope for the best of people when all I see from people are terrible things.

 

2.  I must admit I’ve taken quite a liking to that label of anti-realist.  I’m sure you wouldn’t think that anyone would like such a title (well most rational people wouldn’t…but I’ve admitted to you that I’m quite irrational).  But I do like it quite a bit.  Because I don’t like reality.  I hate it.  But I can’t escape it.  It’s quite unfortunate really…And admittedly I whine a lot about the world and don’t do much of anything.  Why?  Because I feel like I can’t.  So usually I try to not “whine” so much about anything.  I have no right to say anything without trying to do anything about it.  But whatever…I have conflicting and contradicting thoughts in my mind on all issues, ideas, etc.

 

Anyways, that’s all I got now.  I’m quite surprise I wasn’t as upset this time with someone being pissed at me for something.  Though I am going to be more inclined to keep any opinions to myself from now on.  I’m not used to attention being put on me and I don’t like it.  At least not for this (now if this were deviantART and it the attention were on my art it might be another story).

 

I’m sure it really isn’t healthy for me to be so jaded…

Pretty much everything I’m saying here could be geared towards other beliefs as well but I’m going to be very specific here.  Firstly I’m only speaking towards militant atheists.  There are plenty of atheists in the world who realize the good that spirituality does in the lives of individuals.  There are a lot of atheists who respect the beliefs of others.  But on the other end of the spectrum, a lot of atheists don’t like religion or spirituality.  They claim that they don’t like all religions.  That’s a lie.  They may not like religion/spirituality, but there is none other that receives the blunt end of hatred like Christianity does.  That is why I’m going to be specific and say Christianity and not New Age, Shamanism, Paganism, Wicca, or anything like that.  Any atheist who claims to find all religions stupid may actually believe so, but listen to their words carefully.  Everything they say is completely geared towards Christianity.

 

Now my question is why do they feel this way?  Let’s just take all the doctrines and rules away.  Let’s take away the group and focus on the individual.  I used to wonder why homeless people kept believing in God and saying “God bless you” to any and every person who walks by regardless of if they give them money or food or anything.  Really it just hit me about five minutes before I started writing this.  Their belief in God gives them a hope that nothing else could give them.  They know that their lives are bad now, but they know that God could make it better.  If not in this life then in the next one.  And most people who have a belief in God have so because they need hope in their lives.  You can’t buy anything with hope.  You can’t live off hope alone.  But hope is an extremely powerful tool.

 

What would be the use in ridding the world of something that gives hope to people?  Why is a person less intelligent than you because they have faith and hope in something greater than themselves or their fellow man?  As a misanthropist, I must say that putting your faith in humanity is a rather reckless thing to do.  In general let’s look at humanity.  Wars over oil.  Racism.  Sexism.  Theft.  Fear of the unknown.  Arrogance.  Pride.  Police (the people who are supposed to be protecting and helping us) brutality and corruption.  Corruption in general.  Riots on black Friday resulting in deaths and injuries over TVs and gaming systems.  Is this what I’m supposed to have faith in?  Is this what anyone is supposed to have faith in?  These are the exact reason why I’m a misanthropist.  I don’t like humanity as a whole.  What do you, the militant atheist, gain in taking hope and faith away from the everyday person?

 

Now as much as I try to argue about politics or science and try to understand both sides of the argument.  But in all honesty I don’t care about any of that stuff.  Sure using science and history to back up your side of things is good.  It makes you look smart (it won’t actually mean that you’re any smarter than anyone else though unless you thoroughly understand what you believe in/are talking about), but it does nothing else because neither side can prove with any certainty that their side is 100% correct.  But what side provides the hope that most people need?  Atheism declares that this is all there ever will be, that we humans are such an insignificant part of the universe, that everything came from nothing (whatever nothing even means anymore…), and that anything that happens in this life is nothing but luck or a fluke or coincidence.  If you’re rich and famous, you’re that way because of luck, coincidence, people you know, etc.  If you’re happy, it’s because of you’re genetics/personality.  If you’re suicidal, it’s because you’re too weak to handle the world.  It’s the world’s way of “weeding” out the weak.  If I’m wrong about any of these things presented, please explain why I’m wrong.  But for the most part, these are things that I’ve read/heard from some atheists.

 

I care about the hope aspect.  That’s all that matters.  On a general basis, I’m subjected to depression caused by my own failures, what I hear in the news, the way I see people acting towards one another, the way I act towards other people, and my general dislike of the world and having to deal with it.  With atheism, what sort of hope am I supposed to have?  It provides science, and a lot of thinking but nothing else.  It doesn’t provide me with a reason to continue dealing with a world that I don’t want to deal with.  I suppose this is the real reason I have to want to convert to Christianity.  Not because it provides any real facts or anything.  But because it provides the hope needed to deal with a rather depressing world.  And I think that’s just what most people in the world desire.  We see so much injustice from all angles.  People in Africa starving.  Women there getting raped because the men believe that having sex with a virgin will cure them of HIV/AIDS.  We see teens in our own country being bullied and beaten because of their sexual identity.  Racism all around the world still runs rampant.  So people who want hope aren’t stupid or delusional.  They just want something more than themselves.  And if that belief leads them down a path to attempt to help make the world a better and more tolerable place, then so be it.  Don’t belittle people for having hope.

 

There’s another side to this coin, but that shall be for another post.

As a non-Christian this will obviously be written from such a perspective.  However I do think that some Christian could stand to see what works and what doesn’t work when it comes to evangelizing to the unsaved.

 

1. Hellfire and Brimstone rants. This is the least effective evangelizing tool.  In fact, this could hurt a person’s chances of converting to Christianity rather than help them and usually helps to further solidify a person’s belief that all Christians are hate-mongers.

 

There is a man in downtown Chicago that I used to pass by a lot when I would leave a summer job I had in previous years.  I don’t think anyone knows his real name.  However he is quite notorious around these parts as the “Old Navy” man because he stages his rants outside an Old Navy store.  He stands there in full business attire with a microphone and speaker and yells out to passers by.  Damning them to hell.  Damning everyone to hell because I suppose to him that everyone that was around him was “unchurched” and needed to hear how evil and vile they were in the eyes of God.

 

My friend told me of a time where her mother attempted to have a civil conversation with this man about judgment.  And this man who is supposed to be a devout Christian decided to curse her out.

 

If you claim that your religion is one of peace and love, preach about it from this angle.  Use your life experiences to show why you are following this path.  When you use the fire and brimstone method, you’re showing the real reason you’re a part of this religion.  Not because you love God, not because you think God is love.  But because you don’t want to feel God’s wrath and you’re afraid of it.  You believe everyone else needs to be afraid of it as well.

 

2. Watch your language. Now this is a minor issue for me, but I will admit when I hear people who claim to be Christian using swear words or deciding to use language that could be construed as hateful or hurtful, I must question their beliefs a little bit.  Watching ones language also includes gossip and rudeness towards other people.  Don’t claim the title of “Christian” if you’re a constant gossip and realize that you’re a constant gossip, spread rumors, say hurtful things to or about people, etc.  Also, don’t make fun of people because their beliefs are different.  You know that God gave people free will so it’s no wonder why some people believe different things.

 

3. Practice what you preach and believe what you preach. I wouldn’t imagine that this would be such an issue for people.  It seems logical that if you believe something wholeheartedly, that you would practice this belief.  I know that people struggle and that people make mistakes.  But if you’re constantly going against everything that you preach, you’re only fooling yourself.  Not only are you fooling yourself, the image of the everyday Christian that you put out to the world gets skewed and you’re breaking your own belief system.  Christianity teaches that God is love.  If you don’t display love in your actions while trying to minister to people, those that you are trying to minister to will tune you out and paint you as a hypocrite and your belief system as a crock.

 

4. Don’t be so automatic to paint everything that is different as “evil”. This is something that bothers me about a lot of Christians.  It’s something that everyone in the world does, but I find it especially terrible with Christians do this.  When non-Christians do this they are working off their own preconceived notions of what “evil” really is.  But you all have a way to find out what real evil is.  The bible lays out what is evil.  You know what evil is.  True evil.  You know what things are sinful.  So I’m not speaking about things that the bible covers.  I’m speaking about things that are just “outside of the norm”.  Speak to people about their experiences.  Learn about what it is you’re painting as “evil” before you decide that it goes against what the bible teaches.  Otherwise you’re just generalizing something and forming stereotypes about everyone who’s a part of this group.

 

5. Use your own life experiences to back up your faith. I don’t know if people are afraid to do this or not.  But people can’t tell you that your life experiences are fake.  What are they going to do?  Tell you that there’s no way that your life could be turned around by a belief in God?  That there’s no way that you can have peace in your life?  That there must be something else that you’re doing?  They can say all these things.  That’s a fact.  But they can’t prove that it wasn’t faith that made your life better.  They can’t prove that it wasn’t prayer that helped a loved one.  Scientific and historical evidence is great to start off, but a lot of people can shrug that off.  People can’t tell you what you have and have not experienced in life.

 

6. Realize that there’s some people you can’t convince of anything. Just move on and go on with your life.  Continuously trying to focus your efforts on trying to convert people or convince them of your belief won’t do anything for some people.  No matter how much evidence you try to show, no matter your life experiences, there are some people who are so arrogant that they will refuse to listen to any of it.  Leave them be and move on.

 

These are some main points that those who want/need to minister to people have to remember.  There might be other important points, however these are the ones that I can remember/think of.  If I think of more, I might make a part two to this.

Anger and Depression

Okay one of my goals with this blog was to write through any feelings (good or bad) that I may have.  I never talk through my feelings and it probably could help if I did.  So this is a bit more rant-like and not so well thought out.

 

So for the few days since I’ve had this blog I’ve attempted to just open conversation or question others on their beliefs.  On one hand I’ve had fun with trying to do something that I usually don’t do which is share my own opinions.  I’ve tried to be as calm and rational as I can.  However religion’s a difficult subject matter and getting angry or depressed is inevitable.  I tried to explain what I believed to Atheists to get told to “suck it up and learn science”.  So I’m watching a rather difficult to understand theory on how the universe came from “nothing”.  Which so far just changes the definition of “nothing” to mean that there were things that were always there, but they were so small that you couldn’t notice them.  And I tried to explain why I felt “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was a useless policy and this argument (though I might just give up on it soon because there’s no way I’d be able to try to explain it unless I was in the military I suppose) just got to a point where I was told that I basically have no right to have an opinion on the issue unless I was in the military.  Nothing infuriated me more than to tell me my belief is invalid because I don’t know how the military works.  Yes I don’t know how the military works.  I’m not in it.  I’m an artist, not a fighter.  But I know that if an able bodied person wants to fight, they should have the right to do so.

 

I’m just walking away from the whole thing feeling very…stupid I suppose.  Like I shouldn’t have opinions.

 

I’m terrible at debating because in general I’m a very sensitive person I suppose.  I try my best to not show so much anger towards other people.  So in turn it just becomes internalized.  Which turns to depression.  Depression is nothing but a lot of internalized anger and sadness that’s never resolved.  I end up feeling worthless and unintelligent because of it.  At this point, even though I don’t think I’m “stupid”, I also don’t think that I’m very smart.  My level of self worth is actually quite low as well.  I try not to burden people with my problems because I don’t want people to think I’m suicidal or something like that.  I don’t want to be treated like I have to be hospitalized because that’s not my issue.  I basically don’t have the desire to care anymore.

 

If anyone were to ask me why I would consider converting to Christianity.  I probably wouldn’t use too much evidence with science or anything.  But in terms of everything I want in my life that religion has it.  Comfort, security, love, purpose…If an Atheist were to consider me stupid for wanting any of those things in my life, then so be it.  I must be stupid.  It’s quite the depression position to hold that all we do in life is for naught.  Or rather that it has no reason or rhyme behind it.  It’s purely random.  And if that’s the case why do anything?  Why adhere to standards of right and wrong?  Why coach a person out of committing suicide when they’ll die and turn to dust anyways?  Whatever impact they have on the world is purely circumstantial.  That’s why I find Christianity so appealing.  I honestly envy people who’re able to easily just have faith in something.  The world’s quite the depressing place.

 

Anger and depression is rather poisonous to my life.  You can then say something like “Why don’t you just get over it?”.  “Getting over it” isn’t as easy as some people would like to pretend it is.  Therapy doesn’t help everyone.  Medicine only masks the problem(s).  While I say I don’t want to commit suicide, that isn’t to say that I just don’t want to die and get it over with.  I’m sick of dealing with my own emotions, the world, expectations, and religion/spirituality.  I’m sick of not only the self hate, but also my increasing disdain for humanity.  For religion, politics, money, education…everything.  It sucks.

 

I wish I didn’t have to care about any of this…I wonder if I should even bother to keep trying to have religious conversations when I just can’t handle them.