Tag Archive: Emotional


I suppose that’s what a “diary” is for after all.  Even if it is an online one.  Diaries are supposed to be private…though if you don’t really want them to be, then they don’t have to.  In that case I should call this more of a journal than anything.

 

Anyways, this is the 4th week of this internship.  Which really means I only have about 8 more days of work I suppose.  In general I’m only working 2 days a week unless they ask me to come in on another day.  I’m rather adverse to wanting to spend too much money.  So unless I have to go somewhere or find something to buy that I’m particularly interested in, I’m not doing much other than going to work on those two days.  Which leaves me rather bored at other times.  Well, bored and lonely.  Aside from the Hollywood tour, I’m none too interested in socializing with the other people here.  As cold as it may sound, it wasn’t my intention to.  So I suppose the loneliness and boredom is a bit self-inflicted.  But I’m only here because I was forced to be.  I don’t quite care to really do much else than let the rest of these weeks go by but…

 

That’s a really poor plan in retrospect.  Because now I don’t have anything to do.  I wanted to do as little as possible to save as much money as possible.  I still need to come back with something.  And need to buy materials in order to make a tail before Anime World Chicago.  So most of the time I keep myself cooped up in the room watching episode after episode of random super sentai series.  Heck…I was able to finish off 2 of them within a week.  Really that’s not a good thing.  At the same time, I’ve gotten tired of most everything else.  Even though I’m fairly bored with watching so much stuff (even though I like what I watch), I just feel like it’s the only option other than aimlessly walking around in a circle outside.

 

Plus there’s the fact that I just use what I watch as a tool too.  I enjoy it, but still it’s a tool to make me forget that I’m upset, sad, and lonely.  Any quiet moment will just make me remember that.  And I don’t really want to.  Tch…why the heck am I even writing this since I know I’m just thinking about how bad I feel?  I suppose the thoughts had to go somewhere.  I don’t like thinking about such things ’cause they just make me cry.  I absolutely despise crying.  Both when I’m alone and especially when I’m around other people.  It’s a terrible feeling.  So I do what I can to avoid it.  Though I’ve done that for so long now that the ability to actually do so doesn’t really exist…

 

Anyways…I just want to go home.  Not particularly because I miss my family either.  I don’t.  For the exception of my cat.  Sora’s the only one I miss and really care to see.  And it’s not because the people here aren’t nice.  They are…This environment just leaves me feeling like the odd woman out.  Everyone’s so happy to be here and so outgoing and extroverted.  It just feel like I’m the only one who isn’t that way.  I haven’t been very positive for along time.  It’s not that I lost the ability to be so…I just lost the desire to be so.  All these TV shows, movies, and fairy tales can end where happiness, courage, hope…whatever wins out…where everyone lives happily ever after.  And you can teach kids these things.  Teaching kids things like “work hard and your dreams will come true” or that if you “believe you will achieve”…things like that are nice in retrospect.  But for the majority, that’s just not how reality works.  Most kids dream of being top athletes or singers or actors.  Not everyone can be that number one star.  Because most kids who dream of those things don’t have the skills necessary to make it happen.  And even if they do, sometimes even those skills aren’t enough.  And you can teach people that money isn’t everything until the cows come home.  While it’s a nice sentiment…money…well it’s necessary to live.  You can’t even get the basic necessities anymore without money.  Food, water and shelter…while you can find all these things out in nature, you need money to buy the tools to kill your own food and the knowledge to know how to purify your own water.  For most of the population that’s not even a possibility.

 

The world has all these nice sentiments that work in dreams.  But not really in reality.  If you’re taught to be yourself, but by being yourself you’re setting yourself up for failure, then in order to get along in life you can’t be yourself.  You must pretend in order to live.  You’d think that by watching so many super sentai series that I wouldn’t still think like this.  All those shows are about having the courage to overcome anything but…still it’s just fiction.  Inspirational as it might be it still isn’t how reality works.  If anything, I’m drawn more to the character of AbareKiller from Bakuryuu Sentai Abaranger.  While I’m not nearly as cold as him and definitely not a sociopath, I oddly understand his logic.  He just wants everything to be more exciting…more interesting.  For him.  He doesn’t like the world because he feels the world has nothing to offer him.  So he turns everything into a game (albeit they’re life or death “games” but “games” to him nonetheless).  I don’t fully share the sentiment, but I understand the feeling of wanting to things to be more interesting for me.

 

Anyways…on a completely different vain, being here’s also giving me problems with my dog-like side.  I’m normally just able to let that side of me loose little by little, but while I’m around complete strangers that’s an impossibility.  So I’ve gotta keep that side of me all cooped up. Problem is is that I’ve never caged myself for that long.  Mostly because I’ve never needed to.  I don’t have any outlet for this side of myself.  I’m worried that it might be a bad thing to do so (as suppression of something usually doesn’t end up the best for the psyche, though I suppose that’s more for long term suppression), but there’s really nothing I can do about that.  I’ve just gotta try my best to keep that part of me under wraps and not let my emotions get the best of me I suppose.  See…one of those cases where being yourself just isn’t a real world possibility.  It just isn’t for everyone.  Still…it’s quite a hassle.  And a bit uncomfortable…

 

Regardless, after this week, I’ll be halfway through this thing.  Then 4 more weeks until I can go back home…good…

Who am I?  I’m terrified to let people really see me for me.

 

In fact, I’m quite certain that a few of my friends know more about me than my parents do.  But in reality, I’m certain that I barely know who I am myself.  I can put all sorts of labels on myself to make myself feel comfortable, but in the end they all really mean nothing.  The label of “agnostic” means absolutely nothing.  The label of “therian” means absolutely nothing.  They’re very good for finding people to relate to…sometimes.  Though I consider myself agnostic, I really don’t relate to many agnostics since I lean towards Christianity and most other agnostics lean towards Atheism.  And though I consider myself a therianthrope, I’m not the best at fitting in with the online community.  And it’s difficult not knowing anyone in person that is like me in that respect.  Because then at least I’d know one person that could understand what I go through.
While I understand this idea of not being afraid to be yourself, there’s a part of me that believes that only works in theory.  Now I’m not afraid of people knowing what I’m interested in.  I’ll happily admit that I’m a furry and an otaku.  Though some people might see those things as embarrassing, the fandoms are fun for me and a good escape from the troubles of reality.  And good outlets for my interests in different facets of art.  But when it comes to me as a person, I’m no good at fully being myself.  I’m constantly holding back on, suppressing, ignoring, or denying aspects of myself because not even I want to face all of them.  And I wouldn’t like other people knowing them either.  So even if I’m not at my happiest, I’ve gotten use to putting on a smile so I don’t have to burden anyone else with my thoughts.  ‘Cause it really isn’t anyone else’s business.

 

But there are things that bother me on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis.  Right now it’s my therianthropy.  Generally I’m fine with it.  I’m fine with not telling people and I’m fine with hiding that.  Well…not really fine with it, but it’s just something I have to do to get by.  Although normality doesn’t exist, there are some things that can and will send people to a mental hospital and I’m sure therianthropy is one of them.  Because what I’m saying is that there’s a part of me that doesn’t feel human.  Specifically, there’s a part of me that feels like a dog.  And not only do I feel like one, but tend to express it through random behaviors and vocalizations like barking, growling, and howling and have some strange urges like chewing and digging and scent tracking.  Though it’s a big part of myself, I do have to suppress and hide it a lot.  Let’s face it, a person acting like a dog in public would grant a lot of weird looks at the least.  And I was at the very least okay with it.  Because there’s very few people in the world who could ever fully understand it.  And other therians just accept it as something that needs to be done.  And I suppose it does.  Because I’m sure I’d be ridiculed quite a bit if I didn’t.

 

But it’s one of the most uncomfortable things to work against my natural feelings.  Which I have to do on a daily basis.  Because I only have about…3 friends that know this about me and one that I’ve really talked to about it in person.  But even so, I’m not going to behave like a dog in front of them.  Or at least I do my best not to display any of my dog like behaviors in front of people.  It get’s harder when I’m being pestered and annoyed.  If I can think about my reaction before I act on it, then I won’t act on it.  But sometimes the reaction is much quicker than the thought.  Not to mention it’s much easier to growl at someone as a warning rather than say “Stop doing that”.  My family probably can hear me when I’m in one of my doggie moods.  I know my brother can hear me howling and barking at all times of the night.  But I have to reserve those behaviors for nighttime.  I’ve had days before when I’ve gone through an entire day in a dog like mindset and I couldn’t do anything about it.  It was frustrating and uncomfortable.  I had no choice but to keep it all locked up inside.  I wish I didn’t have to keep it all to myself really…And I wish I could explain it better.  But I can’t explain how I feel…it’s a near impossibility when I don’t really have anything to compare it to.  I wish I had some other ways to express this side of myself.  Some people say that running and exercise helps.  Or going out camping so they’re just out in nature away from other people.  Or dancing…or really anything else that they can think of.  I just haven’t found anything that helps for me.  Exercise is a chore and painful as I’ve got quite a bit of weight to lose.  I suppose I’d like to go camping one day…But for now, I need to find something else to channel this energy into.  Because I just can’t keep suppressing it all.

 

And for spirituality, I feel a bit like the odd woman out with most people I know.  My family’s all Christian.  My friends for the most part are all Christian as well (or at the least very spiritual) aside from one friend who’s Atheist.  And it’s not that they’re spiritual that really makes me feel like the odd woman out.  It’s the fact that they’re really comfortable with the decision they’ve made.  You know when I was little I didn’t really think about it too much.  I was Christian because I went to church and because my family was.  But then I grew up…and with growing up came more questioning of things.  And of course a non-answer to my prayer of what was “wrong with me” (AKA, my issue I mentioned above about therianthropy) sort of helped me move from being Christian to Agnostic.  I really don’t consider myself spiritual at all.  And I’ve tried to be.  I’ve looked at animal totemism and Shamanism because I thought it would be a help with my therianthropy.  At the very least I could learn how to spiritually shapeshift at will rather than doing so sporadically and at inopportune moments.  But after reading more about it, I just lost the interest that I previously had.  Not to mention reading about magic sort of turned me off to it.  I have nothing against magic.  I just don’t believe in it.

 

Plus I guess I still felt Christianity had something to offer me.  If it didn’t, I probably still wouldn’t be researching it and hanging around Christian websites (granted it’s a Christian furry and a Christian therianthropy page but still…).  But yet I still feel like I’m held back from really making a decision one way or another.  Because I care too much about what people think about me.  And it bothers me that people think that people are less intelligent just because they decide to believe in God.  But then again, I suppose I play into that a bit.  And as much as it pains me to say it I suppose deep down a part of me must believe that to a degree.  Even though I know it’s not true at all.  Because I’ll defend my friend (or anyone’s) right to believe as they wish and not be ridiculed for it.  Because being an Atheist doesn’t automatically mean that you are smarter.  Many atheists just parrot points just as much as many Christians do without doing the necessary research.

 

In all honesty, I can intellectually accept the idea of God.  And intellectually accept that God exists.  I just don’t place my faith in him or make any vast leaps to convert to Christianity.  Because 1) it still calls for me to give up a lot and 2) it’s not a leap I feel I’m ready to make.  But I honestly envy religious believers more than non-believers.  It’s much more beautiful and eloquent to believe and see that there’s more to the world, universe, and life than what’s visible to the eyes.  I suppose that Atheists have a point as well.  It’s beautiful to see the world for what we can see in front of us.  But that also seems quite limiting.  Though I suppose I’m just not comfortable with the idea that I’m here and don’t have a purpose and that what’s in front of us is it.  And how am I suppose to be okay with it?  Why wasn’t I born just a regular person instead of this weirdo who has dog-like tendencies?  Why can I draw but not really do anything else right?  Sure we can go with the age old answer of “genetics”…but I’ll never really know my full genetic make up as I’m adopted.  Perhaps my real parents are artistic and that would explain why I am too.  But for therianthropy…there are many therians that don’t have therian parents.  Actually very few have therian parents.  There’s really no explanation for it as of yet.  And if in the end I’ll just die and turn to dust, why the deuce am I wasting my time with school and earning a degree and money!?  There’s no point for it right?  I can just do what I want to do…or rather should…

 

I barely know who or what I am.  I spend all this time fretting over what I want to do in life or how to please other people while trying to please myself and please this entity known as the “world”.  And really they all can’t be done.  Only two can be done at a time…but just barely.  If you ask my parents, they’ll say that I’m really childish and that I refuse to grow up.  And in a way that’s true.  Growing up just…sucks.  And no one can convince me that it’s any good for you.  And I don’t want to.  If I were still little, everything would be so easy.  I wouldn’t have to worry so much about being dog like ’cause people would just think I’m playing pretend like any other little kid.  And religion…I didn’t understand it then and don’t understand it now.  Only difference is that kids aren’t suppose to understand it.  And kids are always thought of as innocent anyways.  And no jobs or money to worry about…

 

Now I’m just getting utterly depressing.  But yes…yet another thing that bothers me is the whole thought of getting older.  But enough of that.  Unfortunately I’ve got to deal with all these things.  Really it all boils down to I just need to stop caring what people think of me.  Which is such an impossible and difficult thing to do.  Because you have to present your way to the world in some way that is thought of as “normal”.  But I don’t fit in this mold called “normal”.  Well not all the time.  And I just don’t want to fit myself into the world at least in the way the world wants me to fit in.  With the 9-5 job, white picket fence and family with at least 2 kids.  It’s not what I want.  The ultimate goal in my life is to just be happy.  The secondary one is to find a way to really be me.  And lastly is the job/monetary goal which is to work solely for myself (possibly with friends) doing illustration and craft type work.  If I can find a way to do all three by time I die, then I suppose I would’ve achieved all my goals in life.  But how can I even begin to do it?  I just don’t know how…

 

I envy people who know what they want to do, know who they are, what they are, and have everything put together.  I can pretend to be completely stable all I want to…but that doesn’t make it true.  On the outside I can smile all I want.  On the inside, I’m sure I’m just falling apart.  And I’m sure I can’t put up with it much longer…there’s no way that I can…