Tag Archive: Emotions

I suppose that’s what a “diary” is for after all.  Even if it is an online one.  Diaries are supposed to be private…though if you don’t really want them to be, then they don’t have to.  In that case I should call this more of a journal than anything.


Anyways, this is the 4th week of this internship.  Which really means I only have about 8 more days of work I suppose.  In general I’m only working 2 days a week unless they ask me to come in on another day.  I’m rather adverse to wanting to spend too much money.  So unless I have to go somewhere or find something to buy that I’m particularly interested in, I’m not doing much other than going to work on those two days.  Which leaves me rather bored at other times.  Well, bored and lonely.  Aside from the Hollywood tour, I’m none too interested in socializing with the other people here.  As cold as it may sound, it wasn’t my intention to.  So I suppose the loneliness and boredom is a bit self-inflicted.  But I’m only here because I was forced to be.  I don’t quite care to really do much else than let the rest of these weeks go by but…


That’s a really poor plan in retrospect.  Because now I don’t have anything to do.  I wanted to do as little as possible to save as much money as possible.  I still need to come back with something.  And need to buy materials in order to make a tail before Anime World Chicago.  So most of the time I keep myself cooped up in the room watching episode after episode of random super sentai series.  Heck…I was able to finish off 2 of them within a week.  Really that’s not a good thing.  At the same time, I’ve gotten tired of most everything else.  Even though I’m fairly bored with watching so much stuff (even though I like what I watch), I just feel like it’s the only option other than aimlessly walking around in a circle outside.


Plus there’s the fact that I just use what I watch as a tool too.  I enjoy it, but still it’s a tool to make me forget that I’m upset, sad, and lonely.  Any quiet moment will just make me remember that.  And I don’t really want to.  Tch…why the heck am I even writing this since I know I’m just thinking about how bad I feel?  I suppose the thoughts had to go somewhere.  I don’t like thinking about such things ’cause they just make me cry.  I absolutely despise crying.  Both when I’m alone and especially when I’m around other people.  It’s a terrible feeling.  So I do what I can to avoid it.  Though I’ve done that for so long now that the ability to actually do so doesn’t really exist…


Anyways…I just want to go home.  Not particularly because I miss my family either.  I don’t.  For the exception of my cat.  Sora’s the only one I miss and really care to see.  And it’s not because the people here aren’t nice.  They are…This environment just leaves me feeling like the odd woman out.  Everyone’s so happy to be here and so outgoing and extroverted.  It just feel like I’m the only one who isn’t that way.  I haven’t been very positive for along time.  It’s not that I lost the ability to be so…I just lost the desire to be so.  All these TV shows, movies, and fairy tales can end where happiness, courage, hope…whatever wins out…where everyone lives happily ever after.  And you can teach kids these things.  Teaching kids things like “work hard and your dreams will come true” or that if you “believe you will achieve”…things like that are nice in retrospect.  But for the majority, that’s just not how reality works.  Most kids dream of being top athletes or singers or actors.  Not everyone can be that number one star.  Because most kids who dream of those things don’t have the skills necessary to make it happen.  And even if they do, sometimes even those skills aren’t enough.  And you can teach people that money isn’t everything until the cows come home.  While it’s a nice sentiment…money…well it’s necessary to live.  You can’t even get the basic necessities anymore without money.  Food, water and shelter…while you can find all these things out in nature, you need money to buy the tools to kill your own food and the knowledge to know how to purify your own water.  For most of the population that’s not even a possibility.


The world has all these nice sentiments that work in dreams.  But not really in reality.  If you’re taught to be yourself, but by being yourself you’re setting yourself up for failure, then in order to get along in life you can’t be yourself.  You must pretend in order to live.  You’d think that by watching so many super sentai series that I wouldn’t still think like this.  All those shows are about having the courage to overcome anything but…still it’s just fiction.  Inspirational as it might be it still isn’t how reality works.  If anything, I’m drawn more to the character of AbareKiller from Bakuryuu Sentai Abaranger.  While I’m not nearly as cold as him and definitely not a sociopath, I oddly understand his logic.  He just wants everything to be more exciting…more interesting.  For him.  He doesn’t like the world because he feels the world has nothing to offer him.  So he turns everything into a game (albeit they’re life or death “games” but “games” to him nonetheless).  I don’t fully share the sentiment, but I understand the feeling of wanting to things to be more interesting for me.


Anyways…on a completely different vain, being here’s also giving me problems with my dog-like side.  I’m normally just able to let that side of me loose little by little, but while I’m around complete strangers that’s an impossibility.  So I’ve gotta keep that side of me all cooped up. Problem is is that I’ve never caged myself for that long.  Mostly because I’ve never needed to.  I don’t have any outlet for this side of myself.  I’m worried that it might be a bad thing to do so (as suppression of something usually doesn’t end up the best for the psyche, though I suppose that’s more for long term suppression), but there’s really nothing I can do about that.  I’ve just gotta try my best to keep that part of me under wraps and not let my emotions get the best of me I suppose.  See…one of those cases where being yourself just isn’t a real world possibility.  It just isn’t for everyone.  Still…it’s quite a hassle.  And a bit uncomfortable…


Regardless, after this week, I’ll be halfway through this thing.  Then 4 more weeks until I can go back home…good…


Hello Mr. My Yesterday…

Time machine de

Ano hi no boku he ima tsutaetakute

Yume wo kataru mono wo “Anata no me ni

Asu no boku no koto wa utsutte masu ka?”

Yes, that’s not English (it’s Japanese).  They’re lyrics for (and I posted the music video to the song above) a song called “Hello Mr. My Yesterday” by Hundred Percent Free.  That verse (according to online translations) translates out to something like this:


Hello Mr. my yesterday, using the time machine

I want to tell the “me” of that day

To you who talk about dreams “Can you see

What will happen to me tomorrow?”

Not nearly as poetic sounding in English, but still a powerful phrase.  Actually the entire song is rather though provoking and beautiful (if not a bit depressing at points).


Japanese is obviously not my native language, but that doesn’t mean that music in Japanese can’t evoke powerful feelings in me.  This is the power of music.  I think it has the potential to effect people across cultural and language barriers.  I had no idea what the song meant, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t sense something very powerful about it.  So I looked up the translation and was nearly moved to tears by what the song said.  It effectively summed up all my emotions in one and posed questions that I would never dare to ask myself but that I need to ask myself.  Particularly of this verse:


Hello Mr. My Another Way, time machine de

Mirai no boku he hora kiite okure yo

Yume wo suteta mono you “jyuu nen go ni

Boku datte anata wa waraete masu ka?”

Which in English becomes:


Hello Mr. My Another Way, using the time machine

I want to ask the “me” of the future

To you who abandoned your dreams “10 years later

Are you, the person who was once me, still smiling?”

When I read that the first time I nearly lost it.  I’m the sort of person who hates crying though, even when I’m alone so I try not to.  I now can’t listen to this song anymore without tearing up because I know what the song’s about.


But that one phrase…It’ll get to me every time.  It gets to me because firstly, I’m no longer aware of my dreams.  I used to have some, but now I’m not sure if they’re something that I’d want to do anymore.  I love art and I love drawing.  Honestly I feel it’s the only thing I can do right.  But it’s become such a chore tome that slowly I’m starting to hate it.  I couldn’t do it for money.  For just some small change, sure.  Not in and out every day.  I like art as a hobby.  I like creating stuff, but doing so for money or to please everyone else will most definitely drive me insane.  I don’t want to say that I’d abandon my dream, but I’m not even sure if my dreams are my dreams anymore.  Though at times I’ve contemplated just being a housewife for the purpose of being a housewife.  I don’t want to really deal with any troubles that would be associated with turning a hobby into a job.  I also don’t want to really deal with making money.  In all honesty, I don’t like the concept of money.  Unfortunately I have to deal with it.  I would make a terrible housewife anyways.  I hate children and cleaning.  I like cooking though so that I could deal with.


And secondly, because I’m rarely smiling as it is.  Whatever smile I hold is mostly likely usually a mask.  I’ve become quite decent at pretending to be genuinely happy when I’m around other people.  I can smile so long as I’m being distracted by something.  By TV, music, friends…anything.  On my own I can’t find a genuine reason to smile.  If I can’t find a genuine reason to smile know I can’t begin to fathom if I’d be happy 10 years into the future.


I think the unfortunate thing is that right now if my 11 year old self were to take that time machine 10 years into the future and meet me, she would be sadly disappointed at how depressed she becomes.  And most she’d be extremely sad to know that I’ve generally given up on just about everything.  I don’t have any faith for the future.


Perhaps I will one day.  But for now, I don’t really have any.