Tag Archive: Rant


I suppose that’s what a “diary” is for after all.  Even if it is an online one.  Diaries are supposed to be private…though if you don’t really want them to be, then they don’t have to.  In that case I should call this more of a journal than anything.

 

Anyways, this is the 4th week of this internship.  Which really means I only have about 8 more days of work I suppose.  In general I’m only working 2 days a week unless they ask me to come in on another day.  I’m rather adverse to wanting to spend too much money.  So unless I have to go somewhere or find something to buy that I’m particularly interested in, I’m not doing much other than going to work on those two days.  Which leaves me rather bored at other times.  Well, bored and lonely.  Aside from the Hollywood tour, I’m none too interested in socializing with the other people here.  As cold as it may sound, it wasn’t my intention to.  So I suppose the loneliness and boredom is a bit self-inflicted.  But I’m only here because I was forced to be.  I don’t quite care to really do much else than let the rest of these weeks go by but…

 

That’s a really poor plan in retrospect.  Because now I don’t have anything to do.  I wanted to do as little as possible to save as much money as possible.  I still need to come back with something.  And need to buy materials in order to make a tail before Anime World Chicago.  So most of the time I keep myself cooped up in the room watching episode after episode of random super sentai series.  Heck…I was able to finish off 2 of them within a week.  Really that’s not a good thing.  At the same time, I’ve gotten tired of most everything else.  Even though I’m fairly bored with watching so much stuff (even though I like what I watch), I just feel like it’s the only option other than aimlessly walking around in a circle outside.

 

Plus there’s the fact that I just use what I watch as a tool too.  I enjoy it, but still it’s a tool to make me forget that I’m upset, sad, and lonely.  Any quiet moment will just make me remember that.  And I don’t really want to.  Tch…why the heck am I even writing this since I know I’m just thinking about how bad I feel?  I suppose the thoughts had to go somewhere.  I don’t like thinking about such things ’cause they just make me cry.  I absolutely despise crying.  Both when I’m alone and especially when I’m around other people.  It’s a terrible feeling.  So I do what I can to avoid it.  Though I’ve done that for so long now that the ability to actually do so doesn’t really exist…

 

Anyways…I just want to go home.  Not particularly because I miss my family either.  I don’t.  For the exception of my cat.  Sora’s the only one I miss and really care to see.  And it’s not because the people here aren’t nice.  They are…This environment just leaves me feeling like the odd woman out.  Everyone’s so happy to be here and so outgoing and extroverted.  It just feel like I’m the only one who isn’t that way.  I haven’t been very positive for along time.  It’s not that I lost the ability to be so…I just lost the desire to be so.  All these TV shows, movies, and fairy tales can end where happiness, courage, hope…whatever wins out…where everyone lives happily ever after.  And you can teach kids these things.  Teaching kids things like “work hard and your dreams will come true” or that if you “believe you will achieve”…things like that are nice in retrospect.  But for the majority, that’s just not how reality works.  Most kids dream of being top athletes or singers or actors.  Not everyone can be that number one star.  Because most kids who dream of those things don’t have the skills necessary to make it happen.  And even if they do, sometimes even those skills aren’t enough.  And you can teach people that money isn’t everything until the cows come home.  While it’s a nice sentiment…money…well it’s necessary to live.  You can’t even get the basic necessities anymore without money.  Food, water and shelter…while you can find all these things out in nature, you need money to buy the tools to kill your own food and the knowledge to know how to purify your own water.  For most of the population that’s not even a possibility.

 

The world has all these nice sentiments that work in dreams.  But not really in reality.  If you’re taught to be yourself, but by being yourself you’re setting yourself up for failure, then in order to get along in life you can’t be yourself.  You must pretend in order to live.  You’d think that by watching so many super sentai series that I wouldn’t still think like this.  All those shows are about having the courage to overcome anything but…still it’s just fiction.  Inspirational as it might be it still isn’t how reality works.  If anything, I’m drawn more to the character of AbareKiller from Bakuryuu Sentai Abaranger.  While I’m not nearly as cold as him and definitely not a sociopath, I oddly understand his logic.  He just wants everything to be more exciting…more interesting.  For him.  He doesn’t like the world because he feels the world has nothing to offer him.  So he turns everything into a game (albeit they’re life or death “games” but “games” to him nonetheless).  I don’t fully share the sentiment, but I understand the feeling of wanting to things to be more interesting for me.

 

Anyways…on a completely different vain, being here’s also giving me problems with my dog-like side.  I’m normally just able to let that side of me loose little by little, but while I’m around complete strangers that’s an impossibility.  So I’ve gotta keep that side of me all cooped up. Problem is is that I’ve never caged myself for that long.  Mostly because I’ve never needed to.  I don’t have any outlet for this side of myself.  I’m worried that it might be a bad thing to do so (as suppression of something usually doesn’t end up the best for the psyche, though I suppose that’s more for long term suppression), but there’s really nothing I can do about that.  I’ve just gotta try my best to keep that part of me under wraps and not let my emotions get the best of me I suppose.  See…one of those cases where being yourself just isn’t a real world possibility.  It just isn’t for everyone.  Still…it’s quite a hassle.  And a bit uncomfortable…

 

Regardless, after this week, I’ll be halfway through this thing.  Then 4 more weeks until I can go back home…good…

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Anger and Depression

Okay one of my goals with this blog was to write through any feelings (good or bad) that I may have.  I never talk through my feelings and it probably could help if I did.  So this is a bit more rant-like and not so well thought out.

 

So for the few days since I’ve had this blog I’ve attempted to just open conversation or question others on their beliefs.  On one hand I’ve had fun with trying to do something that I usually don’t do which is share my own opinions.  I’ve tried to be as calm and rational as I can.  However religion’s a difficult subject matter and getting angry or depressed is inevitable.  I tried to explain what I believed to Atheists to get told to “suck it up and learn science”.  So I’m watching a rather difficult to understand theory on how the universe came from “nothing”.  Which so far just changes the definition of “nothing” to mean that there were things that were always there, but they were so small that you couldn’t notice them.  And I tried to explain why I felt “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was a useless policy and this argument (though I might just give up on it soon because there’s no way I’d be able to try to explain it unless I was in the military I suppose) just got to a point where I was told that I basically have no right to have an opinion on the issue unless I was in the military.  Nothing infuriated me more than to tell me my belief is invalid because I don’t know how the military works.  Yes I don’t know how the military works.  I’m not in it.  I’m an artist, not a fighter.  But I know that if an able bodied person wants to fight, they should have the right to do so.

 

I’m just walking away from the whole thing feeling very…stupid I suppose.  Like I shouldn’t have opinions.

 

I’m terrible at debating because in general I’m a very sensitive person I suppose.  I try my best to not show so much anger towards other people.  So in turn it just becomes internalized.  Which turns to depression.  Depression is nothing but a lot of internalized anger and sadness that’s never resolved.  I end up feeling worthless and unintelligent because of it.  At this point, even though I don’t think I’m “stupid”, I also don’t think that I’m very smart.  My level of self worth is actually quite low as well.  I try not to burden people with my problems because I don’t want people to think I’m suicidal or something like that.  I don’t want to be treated like I have to be hospitalized because that’s not my issue.  I basically don’t have the desire to care anymore.

 

If anyone were to ask me why I would consider converting to Christianity.  I probably wouldn’t use too much evidence with science or anything.  But in terms of everything I want in my life that religion has it.  Comfort, security, love, purpose…If an Atheist were to consider me stupid for wanting any of those things in my life, then so be it.  I must be stupid.  It’s quite the depression position to hold that all we do in life is for naught.  Or rather that it has no reason or rhyme behind it.  It’s purely random.  And if that’s the case why do anything?  Why adhere to standards of right and wrong?  Why coach a person out of committing suicide when they’ll die and turn to dust anyways?  Whatever impact they have on the world is purely circumstantial.  That’s why I find Christianity so appealing.  I honestly envy people who’re able to easily just have faith in something.  The world’s quite the depressing place.

 

Anger and depression is rather poisonous to my life.  You can then say something like “Why don’t you just get over it?”.  “Getting over it” isn’t as easy as some people would like to pretend it is.  Therapy doesn’t help everyone.  Medicine only masks the problem(s).  While I say I don’t want to commit suicide, that isn’t to say that I just don’t want to die and get it over with.  I’m sick of dealing with my own emotions, the world, expectations, and religion/spirituality.  I’m sick of not only the self hate, but also my increasing disdain for humanity.  For religion, politics, money, education…everything.  It sucks.

 

I wish I didn’t have to care about any of this…I wonder if I should even bother to keep trying to have religious conversations when I just can’t handle them.