Tag Archive: Reality


I suppose that’s what a “diary” is for after all.  Even if it is an online one.  Diaries are supposed to be private…though if you don’t really want them to be, then they don’t have to.  In that case I should call this more of a journal than anything.

 

Anyways, this is the 4th week of this internship.  Which really means I only have about 8 more days of work I suppose.  In general I’m only working 2 days a week unless they ask me to come in on another day.  I’m rather adverse to wanting to spend too much money.  So unless I have to go somewhere or find something to buy that I’m particularly interested in, I’m not doing much other than going to work on those two days.  Which leaves me rather bored at other times.  Well, bored and lonely.  Aside from the Hollywood tour, I’m none too interested in socializing with the other people here.  As cold as it may sound, it wasn’t my intention to.  So I suppose the loneliness and boredom is a bit self-inflicted.  But I’m only here because I was forced to be.  I don’t quite care to really do much else than let the rest of these weeks go by but…

 

That’s a really poor plan in retrospect.  Because now I don’t have anything to do.  I wanted to do as little as possible to save as much money as possible.  I still need to come back with something.  And need to buy materials in order to make a tail before Anime World Chicago.  So most of the time I keep myself cooped up in the room watching episode after episode of random super sentai series.  Heck…I was able to finish off 2 of them within a week.  Really that’s not a good thing.  At the same time, I’ve gotten tired of most everything else.  Even though I’m fairly bored with watching so much stuff (even though I like what I watch), I just feel like it’s the only option other than aimlessly walking around in a circle outside.

 

Plus there’s the fact that I just use what I watch as a tool too.  I enjoy it, but still it’s a tool to make me forget that I’m upset, sad, and lonely.  Any quiet moment will just make me remember that.  And I don’t really want to.  Tch…why the heck am I even writing this since I know I’m just thinking about how bad I feel?  I suppose the thoughts had to go somewhere.  I don’t like thinking about such things ’cause they just make me cry.  I absolutely despise crying.  Both when I’m alone and especially when I’m around other people.  It’s a terrible feeling.  So I do what I can to avoid it.  Though I’ve done that for so long now that the ability to actually do so doesn’t really exist…

 

Anyways…I just want to go home.  Not particularly because I miss my family either.  I don’t.  For the exception of my cat.  Sora’s the only one I miss and really care to see.  And it’s not because the people here aren’t nice.  They are…This environment just leaves me feeling like the odd woman out.  Everyone’s so happy to be here and so outgoing and extroverted.  It just feel like I’m the only one who isn’t that way.  I haven’t been very positive for along time.  It’s not that I lost the ability to be so…I just lost the desire to be so.  All these TV shows, movies, and fairy tales can end where happiness, courage, hope…whatever wins out…where everyone lives happily ever after.  And you can teach kids these things.  Teaching kids things like “work hard and your dreams will come true” or that if you “believe you will achieve”…things like that are nice in retrospect.  But for the majority, that’s just not how reality works.  Most kids dream of being top athletes or singers or actors.  Not everyone can be that number one star.  Because most kids who dream of those things don’t have the skills necessary to make it happen.  And even if they do, sometimes even those skills aren’t enough.  And you can teach people that money isn’t everything until the cows come home.  While it’s a nice sentiment…money…well it’s necessary to live.  You can’t even get the basic necessities anymore without money.  Food, water and shelter…while you can find all these things out in nature, you need money to buy the tools to kill your own food and the knowledge to know how to purify your own water.  For most of the population that’s not even a possibility.

 

The world has all these nice sentiments that work in dreams.  But not really in reality.  If you’re taught to be yourself, but by being yourself you’re setting yourself up for failure, then in order to get along in life you can’t be yourself.  You must pretend in order to live.  You’d think that by watching so many super sentai series that I wouldn’t still think like this.  All those shows are about having the courage to overcome anything but…still it’s just fiction.  Inspirational as it might be it still isn’t how reality works.  If anything, I’m drawn more to the character of AbareKiller from Bakuryuu Sentai Abaranger.  While I’m not nearly as cold as him and definitely not a sociopath, I oddly understand his logic.  He just wants everything to be more exciting…more interesting.  For him.  He doesn’t like the world because he feels the world has nothing to offer him.  So he turns everything into a game (albeit they’re life or death “games” but “games” to him nonetheless).  I don’t fully share the sentiment, but I understand the feeling of wanting to things to be more interesting for me.

 

Anyways…on a completely different vain, being here’s also giving me problems with my dog-like side.  I’m normally just able to let that side of me loose little by little, but while I’m around complete strangers that’s an impossibility.  So I’ve gotta keep that side of me all cooped up. Problem is is that I’ve never caged myself for that long.  Mostly because I’ve never needed to.  I don’t have any outlet for this side of myself.  I’m worried that it might be a bad thing to do so (as suppression of something usually doesn’t end up the best for the psyche, though I suppose that’s more for long term suppression), but there’s really nothing I can do about that.  I’ve just gotta try my best to keep that part of me under wraps and not let my emotions get the best of me I suppose.  See…one of those cases where being yourself just isn’t a real world possibility.  It just isn’t for everyone.  Still…it’s quite a hassle.  And a bit uncomfortable…

 

Regardless, after this week, I’ll be halfway through this thing.  Then 4 more weeks until I can go back home…good…

In response to a previous post…

Okay, I created a post in which I asked what I thought was a “simple” question (you can check for yourself I’m not gonna reference it here).

 

Well apparently I pissed off two bloggers here, KeyofAtheist and Eggslap.  I wasn’t out to attack all atheists.  I was speaking of the experiences I’ve had and other blogs that I’ve run across where I just hear Christians (and sometimes other spiritual people) being talked about in such derogatory manners.

 

Now, at least KeyofAtheist had the decency to not speak to me and at me (because there is a human being behind this blog page) using derogatory language.  Regardless of if I may piss them off sometimes (and I’m quite certain that I’ve pissed them off quite a bit…I’m a difficult person to deal with), at least they had the decency to speak to me intelligently.  So really none of this is geared towards KeyofAtheist.

 

Now Eggslap on the other hand made a ton of assumptions of me (all of them quite false).  Assumptions that I was religious, that I prayed, that I wanted religion in “their” government, that Christians don’t actually put themselves out in the world and make a difference, and so on and so forth.  Not to mention the language being used towards me.  And the language being used towards Christians and their beliefs.  Perhaps “militant atheist” isn’t the right phrase to use and I apologize for that.  And maybe “realist” is a “better” word/label.

 

To clear up some things that Eggslap wonderfully assumed of me…

 

1.  I’m not Christian.  I was at one point, but was only “Christian” because I called myself such.  What’s a 7 year old supposed to do when her mother tells her that she has to go to church.  It was around age 14 where I realized that I wasn’t Christian but was still forced to go to church.  And it was at that point where I developed a deep resentment for the religion and blaming it for a lot of problem.  But get this straight, while I was very angry and hateful towards the belief, I had the common decency to respect the beliefs of my friends and family and not speak ill of them for what they believed.  The same was same for Christians I didn’t know.  Just because someone believes something that’s odd doesn’t make them less intelligent or incapable of recognizing the realities of what’s happening right here, right now.

 

2. Who said that I hoped or prayed?  I don’t pray.  I’m not Christian.  I’m not spiritual (not in any religious connotation and not in your definition either).  I have no use for praying after my experiences of it not working.  I stopped.  The only time you’ll catch me “praying” is to appease my mother during Thanksgiving and/or Christmas for she is a Christian and there’s no way I could get away with not doing so.  I don’t hope either.  With my general dislike of humanity, I don’t have hope for humans.  Why should I?  Can anyone give me a decent reason to hope for anything good to come of humanity?  My perception of loathsome acts?  What perception?  Perhaps my personality makes it so the negatives affect me more.  I’m a pessimist and cynic.  I already stated I have a general dislike/hatred of humanity.  Why is this my “perception”?  Do terrible things not happen?  Do people not do terrible things to each other for no reason whatsoever?

 

3. On my decision to be a misanthrope…it had nothing to do with Christianity.  It had nothing to do with religion.  It just struck me at one point that I absolutely disliked human society and that it didn’t make any sense to me.  I was always a pessimist.  So yes.  Negatives will always outweigh positives.  It’s great that your life is fantastic.  That’s wonderful.  I never claimed that no one could be happy without a belief in God.  So it’s great that you can have a great life without a belief in any sort of God.  Unfortunately until it’s proven to me that I should have faith in humanity, I most likely won’t.

 

4. I never said anything about a “light at the end of the tunnel”.  A belief in an afterlife can exist without that.

 

But there are a few things that I suppose I agree with you on…

 

1.  Actually I will agree with you on this one…my expectations of hope and faith are completely delusional.  Despite the fact that I have no hopes, dreams, or faith in anything.  So your anger with me on this point is completely unwarranted.  I envy people who are hopeful.  I don’t have the capabilities to hope for the best of people when all I see from people are terrible things.

 

2.  I must admit I’ve taken quite a liking to that label of anti-realist.  I’m sure you wouldn’t think that anyone would like such a title (well most rational people wouldn’t…but I’ve admitted to you that I’m quite irrational).  But I do like it quite a bit.  Because I don’t like reality.  I hate it.  But I can’t escape it.  It’s quite unfortunate really…And admittedly I whine a lot about the world and don’t do much of anything.  Why?  Because I feel like I can’t.  So usually I try to not “whine” so much about anything.  I have no right to say anything without trying to do anything about it.  But whatever…I have conflicting and contradicting thoughts in my mind on all issues, ideas, etc.

 

Anyways, that’s all I got now.  I’m quite surprise I wasn’t as upset this time with someone being pissed at me for something.  Though I am going to be more inclined to keep any opinions to myself from now on.  I’m not used to attention being put on me and I don’t like it.  At least not for this (now if this were deviantART and it the attention were on my art it might be another story).

 

I’m sure it really isn’t healthy for me to be so jaded…